


Through Your Silver Eyes

by Amora0819



Series: Through His Broken Mind [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Abortion, Abusive Relationships, Angst with a Happy Ending, Broken Draco Malfoy, Depression, Emotional Manipulation, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mind Manipulation, Mpreg, Obsessive Harry, Possessive Harry, Protective Harry Potter, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:48:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 20
Words: 43,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24861814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amora0819/pseuds/Amora0819
Summary: Everyone sees what they want to see and what they wanted to see was Malfoy and Potter at each other's throats, but they weren't really, but that's a secret that ended the day of the  sectumsempra incident , one that Draco doesn't seem to remember and Harry simply can't forget.What's worse is Jashua Markson and the tight hold he has on Draco, which may explain Draco pushing Harry further away even if it has been 2 years since they last saw each other.
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy/Original Male Character(s), Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley
Series: Through His Broken Mind [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1811185
Comments: 27
Kudos: 122





	1. I will find you again

Harry wasn't proud of his decision. But after seeing Malfoy that day, he knew he had to do something. He was shaky, nervous, nothing like Draco was, nothing like his draco used to be. It was simple really... Cast a locating spell and bump into him accidentally later on.

He supposed he wasn't entirely to blame, either. He had tried so damn hard to get the blonde git's attention, but, as always, Malfoy was stubborn. He could almost remember that conversation from two years ago, like it was just yesterday.

"where are you going to go?" he had asked, frustrated, pulling at his hair to find something to do with his hands that didn't involve reaching out to touch Draco, whose life had just shattered and who was looking calmly at Harry, as if it were any other day.

"You've done enough, potter." Draco told him, keeping his voice steady as ever. "I would've been in Azkaban if it weren't for your words. I offer my gratitude and a life debt whenever you wish to collect it."

Harry's heart broke at his words. Not what he was saying, but the way he spoke, as if Harry was any other person, as if he needed to thank him, as if they had never been together before that fateful event in Myrtle's bathroom.

"Are you daft?" he yelled. He didn't mean to. He was just too upset and frantic and would've done anything to prevent the blonde from walking away from him again. He was too much in thought to notice Draco flinching at his words. "They've emptied out your vaults. They've taken the manor. Your parents were sentenced to the kiss. They took away your wand. You have nothing!"

Draco only seemed to stare at him for a second before nodding slowly.

"I am quite aware. I was in the courtroom as well, you know?" he said, then quietly mumbled "I suppose it doesn't matter anymore. Nothing matters."

But Harry had heard and he had a horrifying thought of what Draco was planning to do. He reached out his hand only to have the blonde step back.

"Draco.." he started soothingly and he could've sworn that he saw a small speck of hope flash across his previously dull eyes, but it ended too soon as reporters crowded against Harry asking him about his testimony. He pried his way through the crowd, desperately trying to get to Draco, but he was already gone.

He often stayed up thinking about it, about what could've happened to Draco. But, he would never know. His owls were never delivered for the first few weeks. The first returned had his heart leaping in his chest. It only held three words that he would keep seeing after every subsequent letter: 'leave me alone'. Any further attempt he made to find Draco was in vain, until today.

It was a glimpse, but enough to instill the horrifying truth that he so desperately wanted to avoid: his draco was dead and the man he was seeing was merely a corpse.

It was a simple muggle supermarket, one that draco wouldn't have been caught dead in had something not been off and something was definetly off. He was thinner, almost deadly thinner and his eyes had a haunted expression that he only saw once before in the hospital wing following the bathroom incident and never wanted to see again. His jaw had an unmistakable bruise and his neck had fingermarks. Harry instantly saw red at the thought of someone laying a hand on his blonde.

He flinched away when Harry tapped his shoulder, then his eyes widen when he saw who did it.

"H-Harry?" he asked breathlessly. And, for a moment, Harry thought there was hope after all, despite the shaking of his Draco's entire body and his sad expression. But the blonde seemed to collect himself, showing no more emotions as his signature sneer masked his expression.

He cleared his throught, then spat "Potter".

Harry winced at the harsh tone that replaced the soft, almost relieved one. A flood of emotions and questions went through his mind, but when Draco made a move to leave, he quickly started to speak.

"What happened to you?" he asked bluntly, perhaps a little too loudly as the blonde suddenly looked around, panicked, then looked back at Harry.

"I am sure I don't know what you mean." he said calmly, then tried again to leave the aisle, only to be held back by harry's hand tightening around his arm. He winced, but covered it with a cough. Harry didn't miss a thing.

"Bullocks! Who did this to you?" he asked angrily, gesturing at his face and hoping for Draco to just drop his mask already, but knowing he wouldn't.

If possible, draco seemed to pale even more at the question and looked as if he wished for the world to swallow him whole. He wouldn't get away that easy, not again.

"It can't be worse than what you did to me." he said simply looking almost sad for a moment.

"please.." Harry whispered, letting go of Draco's arm, not really knowing what he was asking for but being filled with dread at the direction the conversation was heading towards.

The blonde instantly recoiled at Harry's soft tone, looked contemplatingly at him for a split second then took off, leaving behind his groceries and exiting the supermarket all together.

Harry didn't have a moment to think about it. All he knew was that the universe had given him a second chance and he couldn't blow it again, so he cast the locator spell wordlessly and wandlessly with only one thought in mind.

**_I will find you again..._ **


	2. A promise unfulfilled

It was easy afterwards. Not to forget what he saw, but to reassure himself that their encounter wouldn't be the last one. Harry used the spell to track Draco to his home, but he didn't follow. No that would be too creepy. He merely waited two weeks, barely focusing on his auror work, but thankfully having Ron there to cover for him. He finally figured it out: Draco visited the market every Monday. And, surely enough, he was there the third week, in the same aisle, looking deathly pale.

"Please don't run away again." Harry winced the moment the words left his mouth, but they were all he had been thinking about since he last saw Draco.

The blonde didn't turn around, continuing to face the shelf in front of him and gripping it tightly. For a moment, Harry thought he didn't hear him and was coming up with something else to say when Draco finally spoke up.

"Please leave." he whispered in a shaky, terrified voice. Harry looked around, hoping to find what the blonde was so desperately afraid of and coming up with nothing.

"No. Not until you talk to me." he replied firmly, expecting a fight. What he didn't expect was for Draco's shoulders to slum and his body to start shaking with fear.

"Fine." he sighed, "meet me outside this store at 2 am. Now please leave."

Satisfied with finally getting a chance alone with the blonde, Harry didn't dare question the odd timing of the meeting, instead he turned to leave the aisle as requested, only to be interuppted by Draco's shaky voice.

"H-harry?" he asked quietly, but Harry had heard him and turned around, almost hopeful for something, and not knowing what.

The blonde swallowed then said "Please promise you won't owl me."

Once again, harry saw red in face of the clear rejection coming from Draco.

"Oh yeah?" he yelled across the aisle, not paying attention to other customers' looks. "So you can blow me off and I wouldn't have a way to contact you? If you don't want to see me you can just..."

Harry trailed off upon seeing the blind panic running through the blonde's eyes. Once again, he didn't understand any of it. 

"Why are you being like this?" he yelled, frustrated and proceeded to pull at his hair again.

"please" the blonde cried out quietly and Harry panicked upon seeing that he actually had tears in his eyes. He knew only fear reduced Draco Malfoy to tears.

"what are you so afraid of?" he asked again, loudly. He knew he was messing it up again. He knew how much Draco hated being yelled at, but he couldn't stop for the life of him. He needed answers and he needed them three years ago during sixth year and two years ago after the trial and with every letter he sent. He needed them now!

Harry came out of his thoughts to see that Draco was openly sobbing. He seemed to be trying to hold it back given how quiet he was being. He felt awful.

"I-I am so sorry, Draco." he whispered, reaching out to embrace the blonde, needing to reassure him that whatever he was afraid of wouldn't get to him, that he was safe, that Harry was there.

The blonde jumped back violently, causing multiple items on the shelf behind him to fall. He seemed to panic even more at that and looked around for the thousandth time.

"N-no." he said suddenly, answering the question Harry had forgotten he had asked. "I-I will show up. I swear it! I will. I will. Just, please. You must leave. You can't be here right now."

He didn't know what to make of it, of any of it, but he had made the mistake of being too pushy and loud with Draco far too many times and he swore he wouldn't do it again, even if every step out of the store felt like he was sinking deeper into water, unable to breathe. He briefly looked back to see that Draco was no longer in the Aisle and that his shopping was left behind. Exhaling loudly, he left the store and apparated back to Grimmauld place, only to return at 1:40 am, too eager to wait another second. He ran through all the questions he had, all the scenarios that could take place. Whether he was allowed to invite Draco back to his place since it was freezing and there was nothing open. He normally wouldn't have thought of it twice, but draco had looked so scared....

Of course, he didn't need to wait long to know the answer. Minutes ticked by, and then hours. At 4 am, he gave up and went home, cursing the entire way for having left the store.

He knew he shouldn't, but he wrote draco a letter anyways, too deeply hurt and betrayed to feel bad about breaking his promise. Draco had broken his as well, right? With a frustrated grunt, he tied it to the owls leg and sent it off, not that it made him feel any better. He layed awake at night cuddling a pensieve, living through every single moment in that market again, hoping against hope that he would be given some clue as to why Draco was treating him so horribly. Only one answer came to mind as he left for work the next day, the same three words Draco had written him every month for the past two years: _leave me alone._


	3. He Deserves This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Draco's pov.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own any of the characters. Rowling does. Enjoy!

  
Draco stood in Jashua's house, in the middle of the living room, staring at the wall, thinking about how he never wanted harry to see him like this, never wanted to hide his feelings around him again. Harry was the one person Draco told everything to for such a long time. He always saw right through Draco anyway, so there was no point in trying to hide.

That's why he needed to get away from him that day after the trial. He doesn't remember much of what happened. It was all a blur even on that day. But he remembers thinking that Harry somehow knew what he was planning to do. And, standing there, looking at his wide, green, wet, pleading eyes, Draco knew that Harry could talk him out of it in a heartbeat. Even standing in front of him made Draco second guess his plans, but he knew there was no other way. Everything was gone and he was a nobody.

_It's funny how I never gave my status any thought before then. It didn't mean anything, not when I couldn't shout out to the world that Harry Potter, wonderful, sweet Harry Potter was mine. But, of course, my upbringing would never allow that. After the trials, I couldn't do it for entirely different reasons, but the fact still stood: I was nothing and I had nothing. What was I supposed to do? Rely on Harry forever? Let him spent his fortune on me? Destroy his reputation by continuing to be with him._

No. Draco spent too much of his pathetic life being a burden on people. On his father, who wouldn't look him in the eye after he failed countless times on death eater missions. On his friends, who didn't really understand why he felt down all the time. On everyone else, who had to tolerate his stupid comments that he only needed to say to feel like he was superior. It never worked. He only ever felt weak and useless. He was even a burden on harry, too needy and clingy all the time. It's funny. Draco malfoy was never needy, but he wasn't Draco Malfoy with Harry. He was simply himself. He always wanted his full attention. He resented his other friends for getting to spend more time with Harry than Draco did. He resented the whole Wizarding world for supporting a 17 year old on a suicide mission. Although, he somehow managed to make that last one even harder on Harry. It would've been much too easy to convince himself that Harry didn't even like him and that he would rather be doing anything than spending his time in the chamber of secrets with Draco. But Harry would never have that. He always reassured Draco and held him while he cried about another one of his father's discipline sessions. So understanding, his Harry.

No. He could no longer be burden on anyone, especially Harry after the war. He knew that's what Harry wanted just by looking at him. He was yelling at Draco, but the blonde knew he was just trying to get him to stay with him. He couldn't have that. It was his time to go, so he could no longer be a burden, so he could truly and physically be nothing. So, with one last look at his eyes, Draco walked away, thinking he would never see them again.

He remembers thinking it would be a consolation to update Harry's parents, tell them what a perfect man Harry had grown up to be, but who was he kidding? His afterlife would never be spent at the same place as the two people who birthed his beautiful Harry. No. He would wind up in a place much darker, much hotter. He wound wind up with his father, who would still look at him like the world's greatest disappointment, but that is what he is, after all. It's what he deserves.

It didn't work out. Privacy was another luxury he no longer had. After surviving two weeks on muggle streets, not bothering to look for any sustenance, he finally found it: that shard of glass. He still has it. He needs it. No matter how much time goes by, he always will. Draco ducked behind some dumpsters next to a hospital, hoping they could use his organs after he was gone. At least that would be one thing he could do for someone before he leaves the world. That's where Jashua found him, bleeding and unconscious. He brought him in and treated him, then insisted on taking care of him further. Draco still don't know why he didn't try to do it again. Maybe having a person who knew nothing of his past helped. Jashua didn't judge him. He loved him unconditionally. He took care of him and refused to let him even think about leaving his home after correctly assuming Draco had nowhere else to go. Of course, that was all a lie. Draco discovered a few months later that Jashua knew everything. He was a wizard and he was a muggleborn and he sometimes speaks of the horrors of the war and the death eaters without giving thought to how much it hurt Draco to be reminded of his actions. Draco didn't mind. He liked it. At least Jashua was being honest, not too gentle and coodling like Harry. He didn't give Draco what he wanted or needed. He gave him what he deserves.

He often wonders whether Jashua truly loves him like he claims. It didn't really matter since Draco had nowhere to go, but Jashua gave him what he deserves, so in a way, Draco loves him and he felt it would be better if the honest, kind dark-haired, blue-eyed man in front of him somehow felt the same. He was possessive and overwhelming, always asking where Draco was going and who he interacted with. He never like the idea of Draco being outside for too long, saying that others may treat him badly. He sometimes cries and hugs Draco tightly when he brings up leaving. Draco always feels guilty then. He didn't mean to upset him. He just didn't want to burden him anymore. He reassured Draco that he wasn't, that he enjoyed having the blonde around and proved it by locking Draco indoors for another month. Draco never brought up leaving again. That made him think that Jashua does love me and Draco held onto the thought for dear life.

Of course, that's what made Draco's Monday even worse the second time he ran into Harry. He caused a scene. Jashua hated scenes. He held his breathe as Harry left, hoping Jashua hadn't noticed, but of course he had. Everyone in the market heard the yelling and the clattering of items falling off the shelf. He apparated them home and shoved Draco through the door. The blonde braced himself for the hit, instead Jashua went very quiet. It was part of his torture. Leaving Draco hanging and on edge for long, never knowing when he'd snap. Draco often found himself wishing he would hit him all the time instead of making him wait.

"was it just me or did I see Harry Potter walking out of the store just now?" he asked quietly. Draco didn't know whether he was looking at him. He still faced the wall, trying to avoid any eye contact. Perhaps if he kept doing that, the entire day would go away.

"Answer me!" he yelled when the blonde tayed silent for too long.

"Yes." he said instantly.

"I see. Did he happen to speak with you?"

There it was. Draco was caught. He was bad again and he needed to be punished. Harry is bad for Draco and Jashua needs to protect him like he always has.

"yes."

Draco wants to tell him that he tried to stop it, that he tried to tell Harry to go away, but he knows it will be no use. He should've never returned to the market when there was a chance he would see him there again.

_Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid._

"interesting." he murmured, "tell me. Is this not the same guy you had a relationship with in hogwarts who used to indulge in your ridiculous needs and enable them."

It wasn't like that.

He wants to say it. He wants to say it so badly, but it was. Harry made him think it was alright to mope around and cry and need. Jashua is right. He always is. He knows Draco best.

" yes."

"and is he not the same guy who sent you multiple letters telling you how much of a mistake it was, how much of a waste of space you are, and how much he despises your death eater arse?" he shouted. He flinchs at the mention of those awful letters. Draco had been so happy to see harry's owl, to know he hadn't forgotten the blonde. It would've been better if he did. It was a mistake. He knows because Jashua grabs his chin and forces him to look at his face.

"yes." he cries, his jaw still sore from yesterday's punch. At least it was glamoured thanks to Jashua.

"tell me, draco. What did you do after receiving his first owl? What did Harry make you do?"

He knew the question was coming but he didn't want to answer it. It made him feel stupid to have trusted anyone other than Jashua and let them break him. He mumbles something intelligible.

" what was that?" he asks calmly.

" I tried to kill myself again." he whispers.

"what?" he asks, although Draco am certain he heard.

"I tried to kill myself again!" he yells.

Jashua smiles widely.

"so what, pray tell, would be your reason for conversing with him."

"I-I"

_I don't know. I don't know. I don't know! Alright? I don't know why my first thought after seeing him was how I wanted him to hug me and never let go. I don't know why I called him by his first name. I don't know why I lost my cool in front of him. I don't know. I don't know. He's bad for me. I know that. Harry is bad. Jashua wouldn't lie to me._

"what if he doesn't mean it?" he had once asked after receiving yet another of harry's fateful letters. "he really did love me in school. Would you let me arrange to meet him? With you there, of course."

Jashua hadn't been that violent at the time, still obsessing over Draco after yet another failed attempt, convinced anything else would send him over the edge. He knows the blonde so well. He felt so guilty for doing that to Jashua. He kept raving about how Draco doesn't love him and was hung up on Harry and that if the blonde had loved him, he wouldnt have kept the glass or tried to leave him permanently. Perhaps he was right about all of it, but Draco had to lie. He assured Jashua that he would never try again, that he would get rid of my glass, and that he would get harry off his mind. He only managed one of those things.

"of course we can see him." he had said slowly, "you could even see him alone if you want. Closure is important."

He had beamed at Jashua for a second before the dark-haired man spoke again quickly.

"but- I don't believe he really loved you at any point in your lives, darling. I am sorry."

"no. He did. I know he did." he had said frantically, trying to summon images of their happy times together, only to come up with the hateful words of Harry's letters.

"oh my poor baby. You're very confused." Jashua had said, gripping Draco's hand tightly, "from what I understood you were feeling down and talking about ending your life. He is the savior after all. He felt obligated. That much is clear."

"he.. Felt obligated?" draco whispered. He finally had it. The missing piece of the puzzle. The explanation behind why Harry loved him: he simply didn't.

"do those words look like they belong to someone who ever cared for you?" he had asked softly, pushing the letter towards the blonde. He shoved it away violently, not wanting to see anymore of it, then a terrifying thought occured to Draco.

"do you Jashua?" he had asked him, dreading the answer, "do you feel obligated, too?"

Jashua took a deep breath, then looked his lover in the eye and said "of course not, darling, I love you and will always be honest with you, which is why I am telling you that I fear I might grow to feel that way if you don't get better soon."

Only that statement could've snapped Draco out of his thoughts about harry's dishonesty. He had started to shake his head wildly at the thought of hurting Jashua who had been nothing but honest with him since he told Draco he knew who he was and didn't want to scare him off by telling him so soon after an attempt.

"no!" Draco had sobbed, trying to keep his emotions in check. Jashua didn't like him being so needy.

"no." he had said again, more calmly, "I'll get better. I'll be better. I promise!"

And that was one promise Draco intended to keep even if he could never throw away that damn piece of glass for some reason. Had it been harry, he would've snatched it away and coodled the blonde endlessly. Jashua left it. He was a good guy that way. He wanted Draco to be strong.

He was snapped out of the memory by Jashua's fist colliding with his jaw.

"why don't you ever learn you little piece of shit!" he yells, but the blonde is in too much pain to concentrate. He fell to the ground on his side, thinking of how stupid he was to return to the market.

He was right. Draco deserves this.

"He. Never. Loved. You!" he continued, punctuating every word with a kick to his side. It's at times like these that Draco wishes he had a happy place to go to. At first, it was harry. Now, it's nothing and he embraces the nothingness as tight as he can as Jashua continues his assault.

Draco looked to the side to see his eleven year-old self, frowning down at him and mouthing 'you deserve this'.

Draco thought he, too, would start hitting him if he could. Draco wouldn't blame him. He did fuck up the child's life.

"I'm so sorry." his older self whispered before darkness takes over.   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was difficult to write tbh. Let me know what you think!


	4. I Hope This Goes Well

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry finally meets Jashua, and then Draco seeks him out with a mysterious request.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own any of the characters or fancy spells. Rowling does. Enjoy!

**_I will not go there._ **

**_I won't go._ **

**_There's no reason for me to go._ **

**_He replied telling me to leave him alone._ **

**_I shouldn't go._ **

**_Unless.. I should?_ **

It had been two weeks since draco stood Harry up. Even Ron wasn't finding it funny anymore that he keeps showing up to work 'hung over'. Him and Hermione kept obessesing over him like some child whose puppy just died. They never found out about him and draco and he couldn't bring himself to tell them how stupid he was to think it would last.

Ron even took him to a gay club, which he know must've been extremely uncomfortable for his friend . He couldn't bother to leave with anyone, though. He hadn't been with anyone since draco and everytime he so much as thinks about it, he feels as though he is betraying him. It's now worse than ever. Through the conversations with guys whose names he couldn't remember, he could only think about Draco's shaking and fearful gaze as the blonde clutched the shelf for dear life. What does it mean?

Harry knew draco hadn't left his apartment since that day. It might have been self-centered to think draco was avoiding him, but he couldn't help it. He used to go to the market every Monday. Why wasn't he leaving? Is he ill? Did something happen? No. If he was dead the locator spell would've broken not remained at his home.

Then, finally, finally, he left on the fifth Monday. Harry almost leapt off his bed and apparated to the market he went to on the other side of town. He thought about it for a second, but couldn't focus on the logic. All he could see was Draco's panic and fear. All he wanted to do was take him home and tell him everything was going to be alright. So Harry apparated and went into the store. He didn't see Harry right away and Harry thought of running out before he does. Just as the thought crossed his mind, a fist collided with the side of his face.

"I told you to leave him alone!" a slightly older man yelled at Harry. Suddenly, draco was beside him, holding his arm back, talking sweetly to him, and Harry finally understood. Draco had a boyfriend. He didn't care about Harry. He was in the past. Harry didn't know why that thought never crossed his mind before. Just because he had had difficulty moving on, doesn't mean Draco did too. But what they had was special. Wasn't it?

Harry's ears were ringing and he barely understood what was happening as the man took a hold of draco and dragged him away, but not before Harry saw that same look in the blonde's eyes and the tears streaming down his face.

_**My Draco is afraid of this man.** _

_**Is he afraid the man would beat me up? Is that why he was insistent that I leave last time? He was protecting me? Well, I got a fist in the jaw anyways, but the thought that Draco still cared about me in some way....** _

Harry knew, then , that even if his draco was in love with this other man, that Harry would still need him in his life. He could just be a friend, even if the thought of that has his stomach in knots.

He didn't even have to wait another five weeks to see his Draco. The blonde found him. Or more like, he sent a message. It was a Friday, so Harry didn't expect him to be in the market, the old one that he had abandoned after standing Harry up. The blonde lurked outside and inside for hours, until Harry couldn't take it anymore. He apparated into the alley next to it, only to come face to face with his Draco, standing a mere inches from him.

Harry almost didn't spot the relief on the blonde's face. All he could see were his bloodshot eyes, the bruises he tried to hide under his sleeves, which he was scratching frantically, and the saddest of all smiles he had given Harry, after the one he had showed when the dark-haired one asked him what was wrong during sixth year when Draco had refused to make love to Harry in the light. Only now did Harry know that his lover had been trying to hide the mark, but Harry had shrugged it off back then. Seeing that smile again made Harry want to grab him and demand he tell Harry what was wrong, but the Blonde, by all appearances, came looking for the dark-haired man and Harry wasn't about to blow it by pushing him.

"I-I was h-hoping you'd show up." he choked out between the sobs that Harry hadn't noticed had begun. Suddenly Harry couldn't take it anymore. He needed to take him away from here. He needed to keep him safe like he couldn't all these years ago, but only with his permission.

"draco.." he started and the blonde looked up with that same smile that made Harry want to cry. "Is it alright if I apparate us to my home?"

He nodded slowly and Harry grabbed onto him, forgetting the bruises he had noticed. By the time they arrive at Grimmauld Place, the blonde was screaming loudly, pericing Harry's ears. Harry lets him ago after a few seconds, when he suddenly remembered that Draco was hurt. It took him a while to calm down, and Harry spent it telling him that everything would be alright, even though he had no bloody idea if that was true. It had to be, though.

"I brought you some healing salve and pain potions." Harry told Draco softly when he stopped gasping for air. The tears were still streaming down his face, but other than that, his malfoy mask is back on. Harry didn't know what to make of it and it drove him crazy. Draco started shaking his head, that panicked look back in his eyes.

"N-no. No healing. N-no potions."

Harry was at loss as to what to say. So, he waits for Draco to speak, the ticking on the black family clock very loud in his ears, reminding him that every second that passes is another one in which Draco is in pain and he is not helping.

" I-I know you don't owe me anything, b-but I thought since you felt obliged once, maybe you'd h-help me again." he sobs out.

Harry is shaking his head because he doesn't understand anything. Obliged? When was Harry ever obliged? Help him again? What was he talking about? The trials?

Draco seemed to take Harry's actions as a refusal. Desperation crept into his voice as his sobs grew louder and his arms wrapped around his stomach while he was pulling at his sleeves.

"P-please?" he wailed, "I-I have no one else. Maybe I don't des-deserve anyone else, but I-it's done N-nothing wrong. It's not its fault I am s-so broken. Please. I b-beg of you. H-help me, harry."

He stopped shaking his head, although he was more confused. He desperately wants to hug him, ask him to stay, to talk, to never leave.

"W-what do you need?" Harry asks, trying to bite back a sob at seeing his perfect Draco so broken and sad.

"M-money. Fifty galleons. And I N-need to get to knockturn alley and back home without being seen. M'not a-allowed in the Wizarding world anymore, remember?"

_**Remember? How could I forget that trial. Why does he need money? Fifty galleons isn't alot, is it? What was he doing for a living? Or was he just living off his boyfriend? The guy recognized me, which means he's a wizard. Why doesn't he take Draco to knockturn alley?** _

Without even realizing it, Harry was asking him all those questions, unable to hold back. The blonde bursts into tears once more and hides his face in his hands, shivering all over. Harry's heart breaks at the sight.

"P-please, Harry. I'll even make it worth your while."

_**Oh. Oh no. This is bad. What could he possibly need that would get him to whore himself out like this?** _

Harry hates himself for two reasons 1) his cock twitching at the idea of getting to touch his Draco again, despite the state the blonde was in, 2) he should've found him sooner and fixed him before it got this bad.

Suddenly, it clicked. How thin he was, how poor he was, the colors on his arms, how shaky and emotional he's been everytime Harry has seen him. Draco was addicted to muggle drugs and was now exploring the magical versions.

"Draco?" Harry asked slowly. Draco didn't look up. "Are you an addict?"

"W-what?" he asked, not looking up.

"Are you looking to buy something illegal?"

He suddenly went very stiff, which gave Harry his answer.

_**No. No. No.** _

"I am afraid I can't help you." Harry said as calmly as he possibly could, while seething with rage that he didn't fight harder for the blonde at trial, that he had cut him open because of a tantrum, that he had let him walk away from me twice.

Draco shakingly nodded without removing his hands and let out a trembling sigh.

"I-I U-Under-stand" he stuttered out, then gets up to leave. Only then dod Harry cast locking and silencing charms all over the house.

_**I can't let him leave again...** _

Draco heard the incantation and suddenly ran to the door, trying to pry the knob off it, and started clawing at the wood frantically, while screaming at Harry to let him out. That's when the tears finally fell down Harry's cheeks.

"P-please let me out!"

"I'm sorry-"

"I can't stay here!"

"you have to-"

"He'll kill me."

"Draco-"

"I'll kill myself" he screamed louder and suddenly everything was quiet and even Draco's sobs had subsided, although Harry's seemed to be getting worse at his words.

He fell to his knees then took a shaky breathe, rolled up his sleeves and stuck his arms out in plain view. Harry's breathe caught when he saw the two violent scars tearing through both his ex-lover's arms from elbow to wrist.

He didn't even know how he got there, but suddenly, Harry was on the floor sobbing harder than he ever had in his entire life, touching Draco all over as if to reassure himself that he's real, silently begging him to forgive Harry for letting him walk away after the trials. He knew this would happen. He knew it would. He had had a feeling and he should always trust those. He did, but it was too late. He started to imagine what would've happened had the blonde been successful. Harry's last memory of him would have been reporters tearing them apart and him standing there looking like a ghost of who he once was. This all made Harry cry harder and suddenly the blonde was comforting him and hugging him , even though Harry was sure it was very painful for him. He didn't mention leaving again until Harry was completely quiet and sniffling while tucked beneath Draco's chin and cuddling up to his chest.

"You need to let me go." the blonde whispered calmly. 

"no!" Harry half-shouted, half-screamed. "I'll n-never let you go again, D-Draco! You can't die. Please don't die. Please, for me."

He snorted and Harry had to fight the urge to punch him. Nothing about this was funny...

"Harry, if I don't get that potion, I am going to kill myself. There's no other way." he said with a steady voice, as if talking about the weather. "if you force me to stay here, I promise the moment I am out of your sight, I'll do it. I swear it. And it will have to work this time. It needs to."

Harry started to cry harder at his words, but, eventually, he nodded against the blonde's chest.

_**If I let him get whatever drugs he wants, then he'll be calmer and I'll find him a program and get him the help he needs and he'll stop speaking about this dying nonsense.** _

"W-will you promise to s-stay here for three days after? And not h-harm yourself? I-if we get the potion?"

He nodded slowly and Harry exhaled with relief.

_**At least he's not taking about slitting wrists or going out into the Wizarding world without a wand like he intended to do a second ago.** _

Harry apparated them both to the alley. Draco asked him to wait in a corner, but he couldn't risk the blonde running away afterwards, so he stayed where he can see Draco, but couldn't hear the conversation. Draco pointed out that no dealer would come out if there was an auror in sight, so Harry cast a not-me-not charm and waited. As promised, Draco returned to Harry with one of his sad smiles plastered across his face. Without warning, Harry had him back at the house with all the doors and windows locked and every sharp object in the house removed within seconds. The blonde seemed surprised, but shrugged, uncorked the vial and gulped it down in one go.

_**I hope this goes well...** _

  
  
  
  



	5. I am so sorry I killed you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Draco struggles through the potion's effects and we get to see into his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First: don't own any of the characters. Rowling does.
> 
> Second (SPOILER AND TRIGGER WARNING) : Draco comes from a pureblood, traditional background and he, in this story, is a very sensitive person who has been depressed for a long time. That causes him to blame himself for everything. In this chapter draco reveals that the potion is for an abortion and spends a lot of it hating himself for 'killing his baby'. This isn't my opinion of abortion, but eitherway if that would offend you, I suggest you skip to the summary at the end.

Draco felt very guilty about his threat, even if it was true. He knew the only way Harry would help him is if he thought he was saving him. But still, this was Harry and he had done nothing wrong to be manipulated like this.

_But it was the only way..._

Draco knew that Harry doesn't care about him and didn't want to help him. So he made it about saving instead and, of course, Harry immediately withdrew his rejection.

_I was so foolish not to see this before..._

He knew his threat wasn't an empty one, though. Without the abortion vial, the blonde would've taken his life to spare his child a life of hatred and abuse, whether from Jashua, who Draco loves but has a bad temper, or him and the rest of the world who would berate the child simply for being born of a death eater.

He hadn't even thought anything all the way through. He only remembered finding the fertility potion that Jashua had slipped into the blonde's drink before he took him that day harry ran into them, then taking a muggle pregnancy test, which work for males as well, and freaking one. He only knew that he had to get rid of it, but he didn't think about the process and the promise he made to Harry in return for the potion.

_Harry. It wasn't surprising I contacted him. He's the only one who would've helped me, whatever reason he might have had._

Draco felt stupid for sobbing all over him like a baby, but he had felt like his world was coming apart. He always knew he was a failure, but having a baby and putting it through what he had went through was unimaginable. It's not like he had never given Jashua's treatment of him a second thought. He sometimes thought that his boyfriend took things too far, but never voiced his concerns or held onto them for enough time to do anything about them. When Harry came back, though, those feelings only intensified and now, somewhere deep inside his mind, Draco had to admit that Jashua had taken it too far. Jashua wanted a kid. He forced Draco to get pregnant, but the blonde knew he'll never treat it properly and he'd be damned if he brought a child into the world only to have fear and discipline beaten into him by his father. That never ends well. Draco would know.

He knew he wouldn't break his promise to Harry, even if the next three days turn out to be absolute hell, he'll keep his word, if only to ensure that Harry would be there in case something like this happens again.

As the potion started to take effect, Draco felt unbelievable pain in his abdomen, but refused to make a single noise or move. He deserves this. He was killing his own child. Father would be so disappointed.

The emotions hit him fast, too complicated and contradicting to understand at once. Draco was scared, relieved, worried, ashamed, and sad. But the guilt was the greatest. He felt like clawing his eyes out and shredding his face in shame of the terrible crime he was committing, but he was certain he would never regret this decision. Carefully, he placed a hand on his stomach and started to think of ways to explain himself before his child disappears.

_I am so sorry_

_I am sorry I am killing you._

_I want to keep you, I do._

_How could I?_

_How could I raise you when I have nothing?_

_And even though jashua has enough, I can't do that to you._

_I watched my father slowly suck the life out of my mother and beat me up in the process in the worst of ways._

_I won't doom you to the same fate._

_I am so sorry I can't have you._

He felt as though he couldn't breathe and he couldn't, for the life of him, move or say anything, even though he knew Harry was frantically pacing around him, trying to speak with him.

The potion he chose is supposed to kill the feotus and remove it entirely from his body without any blood, so Harry shouldn't have had any reason to be this worried. Through it all, Draco remains in the sitting room, kneeling on the couch with an arm around his stomach and the other covering his eyes.

_I can't hear, you Harry._

_I can't concentrate. I'm in too much pain._

_Please stop being like this._

_It's fine. I am fine. See?_

_I mean I have just purchased an illegal potion from a random dealer in knockturn alley._

_It could be poisoned for all I know. But I don't even care at that point. I just want the pain to stop._

Suddenly, something cool pressed to Draco's lips and he shivered but swallowed, not knowing what else to do and not caring about the outcome. Moments later, the pain was almost completely gone and he felt very fuzzy, only then did he notice that Harry was still pacing frantically around the living room pulling at his hair and speaking very quickly.

"I am so sorry. I am sorry. How could I be so stupid. Obviously that guy spiked it. Oh wait until I see him again. I'll teach him to mess with... Illegal potions. I guess I can't but I'll teach him a lesson anyways. Oh God if something happened to you, I would never forgive myself. Not after all this time."

"You startin' ta sound like me." he heard a voice say. Perhaps it's his. He didn't know when it happened or why but he was saying the first things that came to mind and couldn't stop. "all clingy and you don wanme to die n'stuff."

"what?"

"I cried when I thought you died. It was worst day of m'life. We werent togetha bu I still love you."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Harry stood there gaping at Draco like he's lost his mind. This was his chance. He could ask everything he wanted to know, but then Draco would feel betrayed and he might even not want to stay, or worse, do something to himself like he's been threatening to do all night.

"Don't worry Draco. I'm alive." Harry told him, leaving out the 'and you need to be too' hoping Draco would never mention suicide again.

It was just a bad day, Harry told himself, and it would be over soon and Draco would be fine. With these pleasant thoughts in mind, he let Draco drift to sleep, setting a plan to convince the blonde that he needed to he to help.  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So basically, after the day at the supermarket, Jashua slipped Draco a fertility position without Draco's knowledge and Draco had only found out a day ago. It works and he knows that he could never allow his child to live in such a horrible household.
> 
> He states that neither he nor Jashua could be good parents and that his child doesn't deserve to be abused for being a death eaters son, either. So, he takes an abortion potion in fear that Jashua would also eventually start hitting the child as well or hitting Draco in front of the child. He hates himself for it, but Draco knows its the right thing to do. Harry is still oblivious to the potions true purpose and thinks it was botched when Draco begins to experience pain, so he gives him a pain potion.


	6. Having Him Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own the characters or anything. Rowling does. Enjoy!

t was magical, having him back, even if he was drugged out of his mind. If Harry closes his eyes for a few seconds and cuddles against the blonde, he can almost pretend that everything was the same, that Draco never broke up with him after bathroom incident, that he told him about Voldemort's tasks and threats and Harry had done everything in his power to protect Draco. Then, nothing would've been taken and they would've still been together and Draco wouldn't have two harsh heartbreaking lines down his arms reminding Harry of his failure to protect, of his failure to help Draco.

He's not being possessive . He's not. If this had happened to Hermione or Ron, he wouldn't have reacted so greatly. Sure, he'd be concerned, but he wouldn't count it as a personal failure. No. He'd only do that with Draco, who he had promised to protect no matter what when he found out about Lucius's abuse. Of course, he couldn't protect Draco back then, but he had another chance at the trials and let him walk away.

He was snapped out of his thoughts by Draco's soft moaning. Slowly, his eyelids fluttered and soon, Harry was gazing into sobered silver eyes. It was the first glimpse he'd had of his real Draco since hogwarts. He loved it.

"Morning." he said softly. Draco seemed confused for a second then suddenly shot up and looked around frantically, only to wince in pain because of his sudden movements.

"H-how did I get here? Are we in the Wizarding world?" he screamed, seeming less and less at ease.

Harry sighed. He should've known Draco wouldn't remember anything. What he saw yesterday was probably painful withdrawals.

"Do you really not remember anything?" he asked Draco softly, trying his best not to somehow scare the blonde off. He needed to get help.

Realization seemed to dawn on Draco's face and he cleared his throat then nodded slowly.

"Sorry about the pain potion. I know you said you didn't want any but I freaked out, whatever you took was causing you so much pain. I didn't know what else to do. Do you forgive me?"

Draco stared at him like he was crazy for a split-second, then blinked and leaned close to Harry, who sat on the table in front of the couch.

" I need you to listen to me very carefully, potter." he whispered, though Harry flinched at the name," you have done nothing that warrants forgiveness from me or anyone else. You have done nothing wrong and you owe me nothing. Understand?"

Harry nodded slowly, even though he didn't really understand. There were too many things he didn't understand.

"I'm worried about you." Harry told him softly. Draco continued to stare at him incrediously.

"Alright. I'll indulge you, potter." he told Harry, then his voice became falsely curious. "Why of why is the great Harry Potter worried about me?"

There it was. Not 'potter'. Not 'harry'. But 'the great Harry potter'. This wasn't his draco talking to him. This is the cold, distant, hurtful malfoy he'd seen outside the trials. Could drugs affect someone even after they were out of their system?

Harry swallowed down his frustration and rage. He needed to help Draco now then break everything in the house later on.

"You need to get help." harry told him, firmly, not knowing how much longer he could keep the overwhelming concern and rage out of his voice.

"help?"

"Don't do that!" Harry snapped and felt instantly guilty when Draco flinched. His tone didn't change, though. "Don't act like you don't know what I am talking about, you manipulative bastard! How could you do that to me? A threat to your life is the one thing I could never stand and you know it. You're no better than some dementor, sucking happy memories out of people and using their fears against them. Let me help you out if you're so adamant on pushing me away! You're an addict and I am not letting you go out there until you agree to go to rehab. And like it or not, there's nothing you can do about it."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Draco's train of thought, which was previously focused on how Jashua will react to him not being home for three days, stopped at harry's words.

_You manipulative bastard!_

_How could you do that to me?_

_You're no better than some dementor!_

He had hurt Harry. He hadn't even been there a full day, not even a full 12 hours and Harry was already yelling at him in frustration. Draco wonders how him and Harry used to spend days in each other's company and remained happy. Then he remembers: Harry wasn't happy, only draco was. He clears his throat then starts to speak quietly.

"I assure you, potter. This is only a one time thing. I had a bad day. It won't happen again."

"Liar! Then how do you explain all of what has been happening? You've looked like shit forever. "

_I know_

"My appearance has nothing to do with the situation at hand. If you choose not to believe me, then that is your right. Eitherway, I am staying here as promised, so if I am lying to you, I'll begin to experience withdrawals at some point and then you'll know."

Harry blinked. He wasn't expecting that.

 _Thank Gods. I can't have him know the truth. I don't know why, but I am afriad of something, even if I don't know what that something is! I shouldn't share anymore than I have to and I haven't been dishonest once. I haven't been needy or pathetic in his presence. I am doing well. Jashua would be proud._

"Fine! Be like that and see if I care."

Draco only chuckled in response, saying the words before he can even realize it.

"I know you don't."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Harry's stomach knots once again upon hearing Draco's words and sad expression. He wants to find whoever reduced the blonde to tears and beat the shit out of them, but, right now, he needs to take care of his Draco.

"Are you hungry?" he asks calmly. Draco looks surprised by the question and slowly shakes his head, looking at the floor the entire time. Harry sighs, calls for kreacher, and moments later is sitting at the table with many meal options. He hopes the smell alone will get Draco to eat something. He secretly had Kreacher run out to get the blonde's favorite honeydukes chocolates in case the smell of freshly made food isn't enough.

He steals glances at Draco whenever he can, looking away at the start, afraid his ex-lover will catch him. Eventually, he abandons being subtle altogether and openly stares at Draco. It didn't matter anyways. The man hadn't moved an inch and his gaze was still on the floor. Then, he sees the blonde eyeing the food from the distance subtly and his confusion increases.

"Are you sure you don't want any?" Harry asks carefully, not knowing what else to do but clearly seeing that the blonde is hungry. Draco shakes his head slowly. Harry sighs, gets up and leaves to use the loo. He comes back to vanish the rest of the food and is surprised to find that the third of the plate that he had left behind is gone. He steals another glance at draco to see him in the same position on the couch. Had the food not been gone, Harry would've assumed the blonde hadn't left his seat at all.

"M'sorry" Draco whispers faintly.

_**That does it!** _

"What the bloody hell is your problem? I-" Harry starts, but cuts himself off when he sees Draco recoil.

"Draco..." he starts again, but is cut off by the blonde, himself, this time.

"I thought you were going to throw it away." he says quietly, "I didn't know you were still hungry."

Harry starts pulling at his hair once again, a tactic he adopted after starting his relationship with Draco during third year. The blonde git sure could be frustrating at times, but he was never this broken and bloody confusing! Harry has no idea what to do or say, so he goes with his gut, hoping Draco gives him any kind of answer to the questions running through his head. He starts with the most obvious.

"Why did you say you weren't hungry when you clearly are?" he asks slowly.

"I-I" the blonde starts and lifts his head. Upon seeing the look in Harry's eyes, however, he suddenly straightens up, and all emotions leave his face. Harry barely suppresses a growl of frustration.

"I simply didn't know I was hungry until you left." he grits out, his voice void of any feelings and considerably louder than the hushed noises he has been communicating through lately. "You have a bloody house-elf, do you not? You could ask him for more, then, instead of crying about a few missing spoons of rice."

His voice is angry by the end of his rant and Harry doesn't know how he manages to switch his tones so quickly. He waves it off as a result of the obvious addiction that the blonde is denying.

"If you're done asking me ridiculous questions, I'd like to take a bath now." he says then winces at his own words. That does it for Harry. He didn't ask Draco to stay so he can tip-toe around him. He's getting answers one way or another. And if Draco won't talk, Harry has a spell that will make him. 


	7. Why is he doing this?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't own any of the characters. Rowling does. Enjoy!

_No. No. No._

_You're being even more of a burden. Stop!_

_Just stop!_

_You don't need a bath and you don't need food._

_Just stop talking!_

_You've already dragged an auror to knockturn alley and made Harry feel obliged to take care of you all over again!_

_Oh gods, what if he doesn't leave me alone after this?_

_What if he somehow finds out where Jashua lives and he shows up and Jashua is there and then he'll know where I was and what I did and that I was bad again. Then he might feed me another potion and force me to keep it._

_Oh gods....please! That can't happen._

"Draco!"

The blonde looks up to see Harry frowning down at him.

"Are you alright?" he asks. His voice is almost kind and sincere, but Draco knows it's all a lie.

_Why is Harry doing this?_

_Being so nice to me and then sending me hateful letters and getting me in trouble, making me the person that I don't want to be?_

_He is obviously still reeling from my threat from earlier..._

"draco..."

"What?" he yells.

He's so frustrating and confusing. Draco didn't know what to make of it. Why couldn't he be like normal people and tell him to piss off if he doesn't want him around? Why does he pretend? Why is he doing this?

Harry was taken back by the volume of Draco's voice and jumps, then calmly sits across the couch from the blonde.

"I asked if you were alright."

"I am just peachy. Now, are you done with your questions already so I can leave?"

Draco knows it was a mistake the moment a dark shadow crossed Harry's eyes. He instantly kicked himself mentally for thinking he could get away that easily. No. Harry needed to make sure that Draco was saved and fine. Well.. He can pretend for two more days if that's what it takes to get Harry to leave him alone.

"You promised you'd stay!" Harry exclaimed. He looked at Draco frantically and seemed to be holding back from reaching out and keeping him in place.

"I meant leave the room, potter, not the house. I am a Malfoy and I honor my word."

_Why'd you say that??_

_You don't have to leave the room!_

_Why are you making this so difficult?_

_What if Harry doesn't want you around his stuff?_

_He is an auror, after all and you're a death eater_

_Jashua would be ashamed of the way you're acting..._

"Then why'd you bail on me when you said we could meet?" Harry suddenly whispered, his gaze is distant and, for a moment, it seemed like he isn't really speaking to Draco. The blondes wildly searched his head for an excuse and could only come up with one that's closest to the truth.

" I didn't want to see you."

_I didn't want you to see the bruises then feel obliged all over again._

_It doesn't matter, eitherway, because I was locked in the house and passed out that night._

_I am sorry I betrayed your trust but I still don't understand how the small bruise you saw in the market would've brought you back into the obligation zone and brought me into the burden one._

Suddenly, Harry looked hurt. Very hurt. And Draco didn't understand why. Unless...

_No! Don't go there._

_You've wasted enough of this poor man's life with your neediness. Just Stop!_

Yet he couldn't stop the words from flowing out of his mouth at the look of hurt on Harry's face.

"or I didn't think you'd want to see me."

Harry's eyes flashed with something. Was it determination? Anger? More hurt? Draco can't tell.

"Why would you think that?" he asked in an instant. Draco merely shook his head and looked to the floor. Harry sighed and continued.

"Is it because of your boyfriend? The big guy that hit me? Were you trying to protect me?"

Harry's voice was hopeful, but draco's thoughts were running wild at the memory. He had completely forgotten about Harry and his bruised jaw in the frenzy of Jashua's rage. He had once again hurt Harry and doesn't know how to make it better. Suddenly, he is crying again. Silently, but he hated himself for it. Harry was the one who was hurt and Jashua was very angry, so why was Draco acting like an emotional brat?

"Hey.." harry said softly, putting a hand on Draco's knee. "It's going to be alright."

"M'so sorry, Harry"

_Sorry that you have to deal with me_

_Sorry that I am such an emotional brat._

"No need to apologize. It's me, remember?"

_How could I forget?_

"So, how did you meet him?" he asked suddenly. It's the question that Draco had been dreading but he saw it coming from miles away. So he told the story, leaving out the details that he knew would upset Harry, but it seemed he had failed yet again. By the end of it, Harry was in tears.

_Damn my fucking mouth!_

"Everything is fine now, though." he said softly, trying to coax Harry into calmly down. He didn't know what set him off until Harry spoke through sobs.

"H-how is it f-fine when you could've d-died?" he chokes out, then mumbles "when you w-would've l-left me."

Draco was stunned into silence. He never thought his actions would've affected Harry so much, that Harry would've seen him as yet another person he should've saved but didn't.

"W-why didn't y-you tell me?" he whispered a moment later, "Why d-did you just l-leave me like that?"

_Because I didn't want to be a burden anymore._

_Because I had nothing._

_Because I am nothing._

_And you would've realized it eventually._

_Apparently, you knew it all along._

"You would've talked me out of it." was all he said. 

"O-of course I w-would've!" he half-yelled, half-sobbed, then grabbed both Draco's hands in his and looked him in the eyes. It was hard to avoid them. So wide and sad and Draco knew he did that to him. "Y-you have to p-promise me you won't do it again. No matter what. Promise me!"

"I've already made Jashua that promise" the blonde said quietly, and Harry instantly let go of both his hands and moved away from him to the other end of the couch, his eyes never leaving Draco's.

"so y-you were bluffing yesterday?" he asked softly, that hopeful speck making its way back to his eyes.

Draco didn't know what to say, so he gave Harry a smile that only seemed to make everything worse. Harry shuddered and started sobbing again.

"Hey" the blonde said suddenly, taking one of Harry's hands. He didn't know why he did it, but he needed Harry to stop being so upset. "You know it is fairly common for withdrawals to start after 8 hours. It's been like 14."

Harry looked at him incredulously for a second, then the widest of all smiles plastered on his face. Draco thought he would say or do anything to keep Harry smiling like that.

" Y-you weren't lying?" he asked then went back to smiling.

Draco shook his head then smiled in return, less forcefully this time. "I don't lie. You know that."

"But you're big on withholding." Harry murmured and Draco couldn't argue with that.

"Can I ask you something?" he asked suddenly in a hushed tone. "And promise you won't lie."

Draco nodded, but was already dreading the upcoming question.

"Did you ever actually read any of my letters?" 


	8. Snap Out of It, Draco!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry finally decides he's had enough and casts a spell that let's him know the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't own any of the characters. Rowling does. Enjoy!

Harry regretted the question the instant Draco's smile vanished and he dropped his hand. He needed to know, though. Even if it pained him to see Draco upset again, he needed to know why Draco seemed to have completely forgotten about their wonderful time together and apparently hated Harry again.

"I-Of course I read them. I read them all. Every single of them. I even re-read the first few, just trying to- nevermind."

There was a hint of bitterness to Draco's voice and, for the life of him, Harry couldn't make out why Draco reading about Harry's love and concern would cause him such hurt. Suddenly, his sadness was replaced by pure rage at the blondes' actions.

"And didn't you think I deserved more of than explanation than 'leave me alone'?" he snapped. For once, Draco didn't flinch or draw back. He blinked, then stared at harry open-mouthed, confusion clouding his dull gray eyes.

"I don't know what you mean." Draco said slowly, as if speaking to a confused child. This only made Harry angrier.

"Don't lie to me!" he yelled. 

"I am not lying!"

"You are!"

"I'm not"

"So, you never sent back replies to my letters asking me to leave you alone over and over until I stopped sending you any??"

"No! I would never do that! Why would I reply to your letters to request that you leave me alone when your letters basically told me I meant less than nothing to you? It doesn't make any sense, Harry!"

They were both panting by the time they were done, but it only took a few seconds for Draco's words to get through to Harry.

"W-what?" he asked frantically, not knowing how to phrase his question, too confused by the blonde's behavior and words. All he wanted was to get back to sixth year and stop Draco from breaking up with him. All he wanted was to turn back time for a second so he could change everything, but he couldn't. The ministry destroyed all time turners and it's too late eitherway. He could feel his Draco slipping through his fingertips and he was once again powerless to stop it.

"You heard me." Draco whispered looking at the floor. "I never sent you any replies. You must be mistaken."

"Draco...what exactly did those letters from me say?" Harry asked, though he was almost certain the answer will devastate him. Surely enough, Draco lookee up with an even sadder smile.

"It's alright Harry." he whispered, looking Harry in the eyes, "I understand. I was a lot to deal with."

Harry shook his head frantically.

"No-"

"I am a lot to deal with..." Draco continued, ignoring Harry's words and looking at the floor once again.

"No!"

"I sucked people in by making them pity me. I-I never deserved your kindness. I forced myself on you and you were too nice to say no."

"No! That's not-"

"I wish you had, though. I wish I had known. Perhaps if I weren't so pampered, I would've had the courage to do it a lot sooner and I wouldn't have been a burden on anyone." he whispered, looking at his forearms. Harry's heart sunk further into his stomach.

" Draco!"

"Perhaps, then, my parents would've been alive. I am not blaming you, though. You're too kind and you've wasted your time with me. I can never repay you. Anything that has happened since then was all my fault. It's all my fault."

Harry stared at Draco, gaping, not knowing what to do, so he did the first thing that came to mind, and grabbed the blonde's shoulders, shaking them wildly, begging him to look at Harry.

"Snap out of it, Draco!" he screamed, "I never sent you any bad letters. They were all filled with words describing our time together. I wanted to find you. I wanted to meet up and perhaps take things further. I was worried. I-I loved you. I never said anything bad to you. Ever! And if these letters hurt you, then rest assured they were not from me just as your responses were apparently not from you!"

Draco simply shook his head frantically and desperately wiggled out of Harry's hold, clutching his head and trembling all over. He wasn't saying anything and Harry needed to know what was going on in his head. He needed to. Draco had that same look in his eyes, that same crazy look he had had the day before when he was threatening to take his own life and Harry was going mad trying to speak to him. His words were falling on deaf ears and Draco seemed to not be there anymore.

Suddenly it all clicked: Draco's behavior, Jashua's words, the letters, the fear in Draco's eyes.

_**I told you to leave him alone!** _

I... Not him. Not draco. Draco never asked Harry to leave him. Jashua did and Draco was afraid of him.

That's how Harry justified the second decision he wasn't really proud of. That's when he cast another wordless, wandless spell at his broken ex-lover, allowing Harry to hear his thoughts and feel his emotions, because he simply couldn't read his Draco anymore. His draco had been destroyed.

Harry immediately gasped as he was assaulted with what seemed like thousands of horrible thoughts and feelings all at once. Some from letters, some Draco's own, some in a voice he did not recognize. But they were all hateful, further destroyed and burying his draco. He felt cold and depressed and tired and restless and panicked and mortified and a thousand more, yet he could make out the thoughts as clear as day, though they didn't make him feel any better.

_LIES_   
_LIES_   
_LIES_   
_You said you hated me_   
_You said you were only with me out of pity_   
_You said I was pitiful_   
_You said I was a good for nothing death eater_   
_You said you never wanted to see or hear from me again!_   
_You were finally honest with me, Harry_   
_You were honest for once in your life!_   
_Don't take it back now!_   
_I need it._   
_Otherwise,_   
_Otherwise nothing makes sense!_   
_Nothing makes sense anymore!_   
_Stop it!_   
_Just stop!_   
_Take it back_   
_Say you were lying_   
_I know you're lying_   
_It comes so easily for you to lie to me_   
_But it never hurt this badly._   
_STOP HURTING ME HARRY!!!_

"I-I-I don't want to!" Harry screamed out into the room, "I AM SORRY. I AM SOO SORRY."

It was only then that he heard the bathroom door slam and lock. Harry slowly fell to the floor and crawled over, then leaned his back against the door sobbing his eyes out. He would've been frantic and busted it down had he not continued to hear Draco's horrible thoughts and feel his emotions. At least that way he knew his ex-lover was still alive and hadn't taken another blade to his wrists. Draco was still alive. Barely.....


	9. Just stop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry finally gets a glimpse into what it's like to be Draco and he doesn't like it one bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) Don't own any of the characters. Rowling does.
> 
> 2) I know Harry is being very emotional and he's crying too much. He isn't normally like this, but I imagine this is how one would react when they have never had depression and were suddenly assaulted with it all at once. Draco's feelings and thoughts are too overwhelming and Harry feels completely useless and guilty at not knowing how to help. I guess this is the kind of chapter that shows how any relationship is affected when one person becomes depressed and even more so here because Harry can literally feel what's happening to draco and can't do anything about it.
> 
> 3) harry's thoughts are in bold italics and draco's are in italics.

_**Stop** _

_I'm pathetic_

_**Stop** _

_Worthless, burden_

_**Stop** _

_Harry is probably regreting the day he ever came to the Wizarding world because of me_

_**Please stop...** _

But they wouldn't stop. Harry had been listening to Draco's thoughts for two hours on end. At first he was curious, then worried, and that worry started to escalate into horrifying realizations. Draco had felt this horrible even when they were together. And Harry had thought his need for reassurance was cute? Draco's attitude was destructive and Harry hadn't done anything to help, even though now, 6 years after third year, he still had no idea what to do.

_**No wonder he never shared how awful he was feeling with me. I've only been listening for hours. I don't even feel this way and already I want to kill myself.** _

For the first time in forever, Harry was extremely grateful that Draco couldn't read his thoughts, that he didn't know the truth. Harry just couldn't be honest with him about this. He couldn't tell him that it would've been better had Draco been gone.

It was a terrifying and evil thought, one he thought he would never have, but there it was. It's not like he wanted Draco to die, but him suffering like this...death is a more peaceful solution. And suddenly Harry understood why draco walked away after the trial, why he walked away after the bathroom incident. He felt Harry wouldn't understand and he was one hundred percent right.

_**But no!** _

_**I won't leave him like this.** _

There has to be some sort of way to scoop out all those horrible thoughts and bring back his draco.

But his draco was also made of those horrible thoughts....

_**What if I just try to get rid of them and then there's just nothing left?** _

_**Does he even know what it's like to love himself anymore? To love someone else? Does he remember what happiness feels like? How good food can taste? How refreshing a cold glass of water on a warm day feels? Did he retain the ability to know any of that? Or is it just like languages? Did his abilities wither away and disappear from lack of use?** _

Harry groaned loudly and massaged his temples. He didn't want to listen to Draco's thoughts anymore, didn't want to know his feelings. He wanted everything to stop and for Draco to be alright. No matter how selfish that sounds. And if Draco couldn't be alright....

No. He couldn't go there. He couldn't. Draco has to be alright. He has to! Harry won't rest until he is, no matter how little he understood of why draco was feeling this way.

He felt cold, hopeless, depressed, and empty, but he didn't stop the spell. How could he? Draco has been living like this for years and Harry couldn't take a few measly hours? He was too weak and draco needed him to be strong right now and fight this. Maybe the spell could help him figure something out in a twisted sense. Listen to the thoughts to find out what can destroy them. Keep the enemies closer.

**I am going crazy.**

_How long have I been on this floor?_

_**I need to speak to him** _

_It's so cold, but I can't get up_

_**You need to draco... Do it for me.** _

_He probably thinks I am a pathetic emotionally crippled weirdo_

_**No, baby, I don't. I never did.** _

_**Please snap out of it!** _

_**Draco?** _

"draco..."

_**a hoarse whisper. Barely anything. How can he even hear others over these damn voices?** _

"Draco."

Harry got up and cast an alohomora on the lock, which clicked open instantly. He pushed open the door to find his draco curled up in a ball laying on his side on the cold tile floor in the middle of the bathroom.

_No..._

"draco..."

 _Go away, Harry. I don't want you to see me like this._

Humiliation and Shane suddenly flowed through Harry and he was very tempted to take the spell off but he didn't. He had to know.

"draco.. Please"

_You're not supposed to see me when I am weak. No one was supposed to, but....i don't know. You just seemed so sincere, Harry._

"I was sincere!" Harry screamed and was instantly shaking draco's shoulders as hard as he could, as if that would make him see reason. He had no idea when he had walked over, got on his knees, or pulled draco up to embrace him, but he was there, doing just that. It should've felt nice. It normally would. And, in that particular moment, it would've, had draco not gone stiff in his hold and Harry not been drenched in fear, shame, and panic.

_What does he mean?_

Only then he Harry realize his mistake. He needed to work on that if he didn't want to be caught. He didn't want to risk losing whatever trust Draco still had in him, even though it felt nonexistent.

"I was sincere earlier when I- when I said you could talk to me. So, would you like to tell me what's wrong? No more yelling. No more apologies. I promise."

_You almost sound like you mean it_

Harry's breathe hitched, but he fought to control himself. He needed Draco to say the words so he could really help him.

Draco cleared his throat, then maneuvered backwards until his back rested against the tub, and his knees were up against his chest with his arms curling around himself.

_Think! You idiot, think!_

_You've gotten yourself into this mess!_

_Why do you always react like this?_

_Why are you not normal?_

_Why did Harry have to see me now?_

_Say anything that will make you less of a burden! Do it!_

"I-I apologize, potter. It seems the situation behind me taking that substance really has been taking a toll on me. I was trying to act casually, but I believe I failured miserably."

There it was. That sad smile again. Harry was surprised that the awful emotions draco felt when giving it were the same as what Harry felt whenever he saw it.

Harry started to pull at his hair. He didn't know what else to do. Draco was lying to him. His draco had never lied to him. Or maybe he did have a substance abuse problem and just maybe that problem was behind all his horrible thoughts and feelings. All the addicts he had come across in investigations and such felt the same. Harry never thought he'd say this, but he really hoped draco was an addict and that he would be fixed after withdrawals.

_Oh no! He's pulling his hair!_

_**Wha?** _

_He only does that when I frustrate him. He never used to do that before third year. Bloody hell! I am making Harry frustrated yet again. Why can't I do anything right? Stupid stupid stupid..._

Harry immediately let go of his hair and vowed to stop the habit, at least in front of Draco.

_**Why am I doing everything wrong?** _

_**Why does he need?** _

"that's quite alright, but I will need to keep an eye on you to make sure you don't run off to knockturn alley and sell yourself for some potions." Harry said softly, rubbing draco's arms, then chuckled at his joke, but he stopped abruptly upon hearing draco's next thought.

 _I would've done that for this potion, no problem._

Harry sighed sadly, then took his hand off of Draco's arm.

_Great, now he's too disgusted to touch me. I can't say I blame him, though._

Harry hands shot up to his hair instinctively, but he casually manvuered them back onto draco's arms and pulled him up until they were both standing.

"let's get you to bed, yeah?" he whispered, not knowing what else to do.

_There was a time when hearing those words from you would've made me the happiest guy on the planet_

Harry smiled despite himself. At least that thought wasn't a hundred percent horrible. Drcao remembers happiness. Remembers a time when he didn't feel this way. His time with Harry had actually helped him. Harry just needs to get him back to that, to make sure he never goes back to the drugs again. Then everything will be alright. Except...

"do you want to send a letter to your boyfriend to let him know you're alright?" he asked, trying to sound causal. But draco immediately stiffened.

_Jashua can never know about this._

_He'll kill me_

"why would I do that?" he grit out through his teeth as they moved through the hall.

"because you live together?" he said casually. Draco shot him a terrified look.   
  


_How could Harry possibly know that?_

His thoughts sounded frantic and so Harry hurried to correct his mistake.

"I-I mean.. I am assuming you live together since you've been to the market together?"

It came off as a lame question, but draco seemed satisfied. The thoughts didn't stop there, however.

_Oh God. He knows where I live_

_Harry doesn't have any boundaries._

_He might come by. He might express his concerns to Jashua. He might even tell Jashua about this weekend. So much for my plan to tell him I was kidnapped._

_Wait... When I do tell him that he'll look through my memories. I have no magic. I am powerless to stop him. Then he'll see all of this. He'll hear what I said to the dealer in kockturn alley. He'll know. He'll know._

_**Why is he so afraid of this Jashua finding out?** _

_He'll know._

_**They live together... Surely his boyfriend noticed that he was an addict** _

_He'll actually kill me this time. Maybe I should just beat him to it. It's inevitable_

Harry stopped dead in his tracks. Draco's boyfriend seemed to be getting more and more suspicious by the second. And this was the third time Draco has thought about ending his life within 24 hours. This has gone on long enough. He quickly wiped around and held onto draco's shoulders, looking him in the eye to show him the seriousness within his own.

"Draco. I need you to listen to me. You are not a burden to me. You aren't now and you never were and you never will be! I am serious. Please believe me. Don't you trust me? Why would we have stayed together for so long and why would you be here now if you caused me any trouble? I loved you before and I care so much about you and well-being now. If there's anything or **anyone** you're afraid of out there, you can tell me. Or.. or.. You don't even have to tell me  
You could just stay here now. You could stay here forever if you want to. I don't want you hurt and I don't want you around anyone or anything that will make you feel bad. I am serious. I like your company and I would like it if you stay. You know, if you want to. But I repsext your wishes and your boundaries nonetheless and I won't seek you out if you don't want me to. Just please tell me you want me to be a part of your life. Please!"

Harry was screaming by the end of it and somewhere along his speech he had let go of draco's shoulders and was clutching at his hair again.

 _You sound so sincere Harry. I wish it were true. I wish you loved me like I've always wanted you to, but why would you? I am nothing. I am nobody and you're prefect._

Harry started to cry. He didn't even know it was happening until he started to gasp for breaths and draco's arms were around his shoulder pulling him towards his own bedroom. He faintly heard some distant clapping noises and he was confused at first until he realized they were coming from inside draco's mind.

 _Well done, draco. You've reduced the savior of the Wizarding world into a blubbering mess and you haven't even been here for a full day. Really, you've outdone yourself this time._

At this thought, Harry only cried harder. He couldn't stand it. He couldn't bear to hear draco's mind being so cruel to his beautiful ex-lover who was frantically trying to comfort him, saying things that didn't reach harry's ears from around the clapping noises and vicious thoughts.

He tried to will himself to stop crying and be fine just so draco's thoughts would stop, until it occured to him that that's exactly what Draco has been doing as well. He's trying to be normal so Harry won't hate him apparently. But Harry could never hate him. Even when his wand was pointed at Dumbledore, he still loved draco and knew there had to be an explanation for that.

He was snapped out of his thoughts by the sounds of sheets moving and he realized his eye-lids were closing and Draco was starting to get up off the bed. He hastily clasped his hand around draco's wrist, ignoring the clapping noises and the thoughts and determined to speak through them.

"Stay. Please." he whispered and he saw draco's eyes widen before he started to shake his head.

"Harry, I don't think-"

But Harry couldn't hear anymore excuses or rejections or negative opinions. He wanted draco right next to him, as if he could protect him in his sleep. He started to cry even harder, if possible and started clawing at Draco's sleeves to stop him from leaving.

"No. P-please. P-please, stay with me. Please. W-what, what can I do? P-please tell me what to do to make it stop. P-please tell me! Tell me, draco!"

"alright! Alright! I'll stay if that will get you to sleep."

Harry murmured a thank you but didn't let go of draco's arms. The blonde had to pry harry's hand off his arms so he can lay down on the bed as fat away from him as possible. Harry wouldn't have that. He quietly and finally u cast the spell and scooted over to draco then wrapped his arms around him, ignored how he stiffened under his touch. Harry pressed his chest against the blonde's back and finally felt draco relax. He fell asleep trying to pretend, if only just for a moment, that everything was fine, that his draco had come back to him, normal, and would stay forever. 


	10. Please Bring him Back to Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't own the characters. Rowling does.

Harry awakens to find Draco on his side, propped up on his elbow and looking down at him, deep in thought.

Harry stretches and yawns, a faint smile on his face from waking up to the blonde in the morning.

"morning" he breathes out.

Draco smiles in return. Not his sad smile, but a wide, genuine smile. He looks away for a moment and Harry fears that he might take off or worse, but then he looks back at Harry with a curious expression.

"Jashua isn't very nice." he whispers. It's almost inaudible. Almost. Harry has to suppress a grin at the fact that draco is finally sharing! Without Harry having to access that horrible, dark, twisted place that is draco's mind.

"Yeah, I figured." he says slowly, "Do you want to talk about it?"

Draco shakes his head and then look back at Harry with that same expression.

"did you mean what you said?" he asks very quietly.

Harry quickly nods without even thinking about it.

"it's not going to be easy." draco continues, looking down at the duvet.

Harry's heart leaps in his chest at the hidden meaning behind draco's words. He swallow and nods.

"I know, but I still meant it. I care for you and I want you to stay. Always."

Draco doesn't respond for a bit and Harry casts that same awful spell just to *know*, but to his surprise, draco is thinking about his recipe for treacle tart and how he wants to make it for Harry like he used to in the hogwarts kitchens.

" Always." draco says, looking down at Harry again, then scoots down and leans in, touching his warm lips ever so slightly against Harry's and whispering.

"It's always been you, Harry. Always."

And it's all Harry can do to keep himself from ravishing the blonde right there.

______________________________________________________

Harry awakened from his dream to find that draco wasn't beside him. He ran out of the room, frantically searching everywhere and hoping that draco hadn't left. Of course, he remembered that he had wards and that he locked the doors and windows and that draco wasn't stupid enough to wander into the Wizarding world alone. But, none of the logic was welcomed into his mind as he fed off the panic that the spell radiated onto him for hours the day before.

He finally discovered draco in the living room, sitting in an all-too-familiar position.

"morning" he said to Draco as he carefully sat on the other end of the couch. Suddenly, he wasn't sure of what the right action would be.

_**What if draco thinks I am sitting far away because I am disgusted by him?** _

_**What if I come closer and he thinks I am coming onto him?** _

_**Oh Merlin, what to do?** _

He almost cast the spell right then and there, just to get a sense of what to do to help draco. But he couldn't. The words were frozen in his head at the thought of having to endure the same suffering as yesterday. Was draco going through that all the time?

"Harry?" Draco asked softly. Harry immediately looked up with a forced smile, trying to pretend that he hadn't horribly violated draco's privacy the day before and wasn't horrified at what he had found. "could you do me a favor?"

"of course!" he said cheerfully, jumping at the opportunity to do something, anything for draco.

"could you.. Umm...cast this spell on me?" he asked hesitantly, pushing a small crumpled paper to Harry with a spell written across it in handwriting that looks like catscratch.

Harry didn't want to ask. Perhaps it was private, but the bathroom incident had taught him never to cast a spell that he didn't know the outcome of and draco has been a tad suicidal as of late, so he just had to know.

"w-what does it do?"

Draco sighed and looked at the floor, then mumbled something incoherent.

"what?"

Draco grimaced, almost as if in pain, then turned towards Harry with that sad smile.

"any chance you could do it without knowing?" he asked quietly.

_**No! I have to know....** _

"will it hurt you?" he asked, because he would be willing to do anything for draco except that.

Draco chuckled lightly, then shook his head.

"No."

Draco's expression didn't put Harry at ease at all and he contemplated saying no just to be safe. If the spell was some kind of dark cutting curse... 

"It's a pregnancy test." he heard draco whisper shakily. And time seemed to stop afterwards. Everything became real, then. If draco has a child he'll stay with that suspicious guy that he's afraid of and he probably won't ever see Harry again. Harry shook his head, held his breathe, then cast the spell, keeping only one eye open. He sighed in relief when nothing happened, then cast it twice more to be sure.

"It's negative." he whispered, barely able to contain the cheerful tone at the thought of Draco being able to get away from Jashua, which just warrants the question. Just what exactly was going on there?

To his surprise, Draco's face was expressionless and he said nothing. For a moment he wondered if the blonde had even heard him. Then, he decided there was only one way to find out. Holding his breath, Harry started to ask.

"What's wrong?" he asked, trying to keep his voice steady.

"Nothing's wrong." the blonde said, shrugging.

"You're lying to me." Harry whispered, clenching his fists. "You never used to lie to me."

Draco looked surprised for a second, then shifted his gaze to the floor and nodded slowly.

"As per my understanding, oagreement was that I stay here for three days. So, I am allowed not to talk the entire time if I don't want to."

Harry hadn't seen that coming. Sure, the blonde had been very reluctant to share so far, but him staying so silent while his thoughts ate away at him was more than Harry could stand for.

" Alright." Harry said slowly," How about we talk about something you want to discuss, then?"

The blonde simply continued to stare at the floor, not giving any indication of having heard Harry. Harry sighed and placed a hand on Draco's knee for comfort.

" For what it's worth, it will happen someday and I think you'll be an amazing father." he said soothingly, hoping it would ease Draco's... Well everything.

Suddenly, dark, quiet chuckling filled the room and Harry was afraid he had somehow tapped into Draco's thoughts and was hearing them once more.

"it's funny." draco said loudly, breaking his hysteric laughing, "I used to think so, too. Somehow, I thought when it was all over, we would have so many and I would come home from work and find more kids running towards me than the entire weasley clan and they would look up at me with green eyes and say 'daddy's home!' and we would build a fort together. Gods, I was so stupid."

Draco put his head in his hands and exhaled shakily, but Harry didn't even think about comforting the blonde. No. He was focused on that one word more than anything else.

" we..." he whispered, not even realizing he had spoken. Draco suddenly jumped as of he had forgotten Harry was there altogether.

"I-I shouldn't have said that." Draco whispered, looking at Harry with a panicked expression.

"Then why did you leave me?" Harry asked, desperate to hear an answer for the question that's been running through his mind since sixth year.

"we hardly made a good couple, potter." Draco said, trying to reel in his emotions, and Harry was frightened by how much Draco seemed to believe his twisted version of the story. There was only one thing to do right then. Afterall , if the blonde doesn't believe Harry's words, he can hardly deny his own memories.

Harry concerntrated in draco's eyes, willing yet another spell to work. He was shit at Legilimency, but his Auror training had taught him enough to do the reversal, to make the person in front of him see his mind, his memories and all the emotions associated with them.

He didn't ask draco, only watched as his eyes glazed over and became absorbed in the memories Harry was so concentrated on showing him.

_**Please work.** _

_**Please bring him back to me.** _  
  



	11. This Doesn't Make any Sense

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Draco finally sees things from Harry's perspective.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't own any of the characters. Rowling does.

_This doesn't make any sense._

_It doesn't make any sense...._

Those were the only words Draco could think of as he watched past events play out in front of him.

A thirteen year-old Harry, coming back from saving buckbeak, proud and happy about his actions, but also sad about seeing the injustice that was done to his Godfather. He was abruptly stopped by the sound of crying coming from the girl's bathroom, but it didn't sound like a girl. Curious and sympathizing, he walked into the room to find Draco huddled against the wall, hiding beneath the sinks, trying to make himself a small as possible and crying his eyes out.

Feelings erupted off of Harry and onto the older Draco, who was still watching the scene with confusion. Harry was angry and vengeful, but he was also.... Concerned?

_That's....odd._

_I thought Harry approached me out of pity?_

"please... I asked you not to do anything, father. I asked you to leave it. I was fine. I was being stupid as always. Why did you have to kill the bird? Why did you have to try and get rid of Dumbledore? Why??" thirteen year-old draco whispered through sobs.

Older draco felt Harry's heart clench at the statement and all anger and vengefullness left his mind. He was only sympathetic and curious now.

"Damn it! Stop crying! Father was right...you're a disgrace. You're a freak!"

Determination and compassion suddenly filled the older Draco as he watched his younger self jerk out of his thoughts at the sound of approaching footsteps.

"M-myrtle?" the younger blonde asked weakly while turning his head and instantly feeling horrified at finding a smiling Harry crouched down in front of him, extending a hand.

"No. It's me."

_**He's so cute all red and small like this.** _

Both older and younger draco blushed for entirely different reasons.

"Leave me alone, potter! Don't you have some criminal godfather and savage bird friend to say goodbye to? If not, the weseal and mud blood must be waiting around for the boy-who-won't-die by now."

He had meant it to be hurtful, to push Harry away, but all he felt from Harry was a sudden sense of understanding.

_**Is that why you insult people? So they won't see your weakness?** _

" No. I have nowhere to go." Harry said stubbornly and laughed at the furious look on draco's face, thinking he was even more adorable.

_I thought you were laughing at my weakness..._

"well, I don't know what made you think you were welcome here, but you aren't!"

"I just heard you and wanted to make sure you were alright."

_**Stop fighting me...** _

_**I know what it's like to feel alone** _

_**I know what it's like to feel unwanted by your family** _

"Well, I am quite alright as you can see. So, leave now!" younger draco shouted.

"Give it up, Draco. I know something is wrong. Why else would you be hiding out here?"

"I am NOT hiding. I am... Waiting for a friend." draco told him, looking away and blushing more at the use of his first name by his nemisis.

"Myrtle?"

"Yes, myrtle! Now leave." he continued to shout.

_**I am not leaving you** _

"she and headless nick are having a chat.i don't think she'll be back for hours."

Younger draco huffed in disappointment and murmured to himself.

"Even my immortal friend can't be bothered to waste her time of my nonsense."

Harry wanted to cry and older draco couldn't help the tears spreading down his cheeks at the scene. It was entirely different than he remembered. He remembered being pitied, humiliated, disgusted with himself, hurting Harry. But... This was different.

"It's not nonsense."

Younger draco buried his face in his arms tightening his hold on himself and attempting become one with the walls.

"you know you're leaning on the door for the chamber of secrets, right?" Harry asked after a few moments of silence.

Draco shrieked and stood suddenly, banging his head against the sinks. Harry chuckled, then dragged draco out from under the sinks, loving his child - like attitude.

" what did you just say?" younger draco whispered, looking at the sinks curiously.

"want me to show you?" Harry asked, and started hissing upon Draco's hesitant nod. As the sinks started moving, Draco jumped back, terrified, but Harry caught him.

"It's alright" he said, relasing draco, then stepping closer to the chamber's enterance and holding out a hand, "Don't be afraid. Come with me. I'll protect you."

Younger draco took his hand and older draco felt the triumphant feeling Harry did at helping draco forget his ordeal.

The scene shifted, and suddenly, he was seeing himself mortified after having kissed a crying Harry at the beginning of fourth year, after his so-called best friend abandoned him, and Harry looking at the blonde, astonished.

"P-please don't leave me." he suddenly started to cry, "I didn't mean to do that. I take it back."

Then, suddenly, harry's lips were on his own, whispering "don't you dare."

The memories kept flooding his brain, playing out right in front of him. Draco making Harry treacle tart every year on Halloween and talking to him about his parents while they ate it. Them fighting over some ridiculous thing then having angry make-out sessions afterwards. The first time they had sex and how nervous draco was and how reassuring Harry was. Draco sneaking into pivet drive after all his letters went unanswered for a week, only to discover Harry locked alone in a dark cupboard under the stairs and then having Harry tell him what the cupboard was and how terrified he was of it. Draco refusing to leave Harry after that, but Harry insisting that draco staying would make everything worse, so draco left him a key to the cupboard to keep on himself all the time in case that happened again. Draco knew Harry would be too scared to use it, but that having it with him might make him feel safer.

All throughout the memories one thing remained clear: Harry never pitied draco. He truly loved him. He didn't want to save draco. He wanted him. Draco had even consoled Harry as many times as Harry comforted him.

_Why don't I remember things like this?_

_Is Harry messing with the memories?_

_Can someone even do that?_

_Was Jashua lying to me?_

_Or is Harry?_

He was snapped out of his thoughts when he felt pure and utter helplessness and desperation. That sounded about right. Those feelings he knew well. Those were the feelings he associated with his memories. Only, they weren't his emotions. He continued to watch as Harry tried to speak to and comfort a crying draco, who was frantically tying his shoes to leave the comfort of the conjured bed and the chambers for good.

"what did I do, Draco?" Harry cried out, trying to get Draco to talk to him. "I don't understand why you're so upset."

But draco didn't want to talk. He snapped at Harry.

"what part of I want the sodding lights off during sex don't you understand?!!" 16 year-old draco had yelled at Harry, making him recoil. Harry reached out and put a Hand on Draco's knee, making him wince, courtesy of one of his father's cane punishments. Harry seemed to understand instantly and a dark shadow crossed his eyes.

" Show them to me!" he demanded.

"what?"

"take off your clothes this instant and let me heal you." Harry had told him softly but firmly.

"you can't heal me, Harry. Not from this. Not this time." he had whispered, looking at his left forearm and sniffling. Harry followed his gaze and moved to yank back the sleeve only to be held against the walls with a wand to his throat.

"Listen to me, potter." Harry flinched at the use of his last name, but draco continued, horrified at the idea of Harry finding out about his tasks and the mark and how the dark lord was threatening to kill his mother if he doesn't succeed. "You will let me leave and you will leave me alone afterwards. You will not talk to me or look at me and you will pretend none of this ever happened."

Harry eyes instantly filled with tears. He wasn't even a bit afraid of draco's hold or his wand.

He simply didn't want draco to leave. He opened his mouth to say as much only to have draco cast a silencing spell on him. Upon realizing he couldn't speak, Harry started to sob silently, trying to understand what he had done wrong, what he could do to make draco listen to him. But it was too late. Draco had left the chambers, left Harry on the floor a sobbing mess.

Older draco wished that Harry hadn't shown him this memory. It was one of the actions he had most regretted, but he understood why Harry did. The only feelings radiating off Harry were sadness, desperation, love, hopelessness, and concern.

No hatred.

No vengefullness.

No anger.

No fear.

Now, both dracos felt ashamed for entirely different reasons.

The final scene was a day after the bathroom incident. Draco had been under an imperio and woke up not remembering what had happened, only to have Harry approach him on the astronomy tower at night. Upon seeing his face, Draco was ready to apologize and tell him everything and beg for his love and forgiveness.

_I was hopeful?_

_That's odd._

But Harry had spoken first, desperate to know what draco was thinking and thus dooming any chance he had at getting the blonde to talk.

"I am so sorry." he wailed, approaching draco cautiously. "I am sorry for what I did to you for everything that happened in that bathroom."

Draco had no clue what he was talking about and couldn't bring himself to ask. Harry was feeling guilty. But why?

"I felt so bad..but you were... And I... I didnt know it would lead to that!"

There it was. His confession. Harry pitied draco. Harry never loved him. Harry had spent all this time with him out of discomfort at the thought of telling him he wanted to break up. Harry was humiliated by him.

" So.. " he started, trying to keep his voice from breaking but failing, "You.. Didn't mean it?"

"Of course I didn't!" Harry screamed and draco's heart broke. "I am so sorry draco. I hope we can find a way to at least still be friends?"

"Friends?" draco mumbled to himself before quickly and frantically jumping up adn running as fast as he could down the stairs and off the tower. He had to get away. He had to get as far away from Harry and his frantic calls as possible. He couldn't do this anymore. This week was to complete his task. Then, with his mother safe, he could die in peace.

Suddenly, it was after the trials and Harry's heart was breaking and he was silently begging younger draco not to leave him, that he needed him to comfort Harry just like that day in the cupboard, that a lot of people he'd known had died or gotten into relationships and that he felt absolutely alone.

_He needed me.. And I left him_

"You moron! You self-centered, stupid, freak of a prat. Spawn of the devil, Draco malfoy!" older draco yelled at his younger version, only to have a hand grip his shoulder tightly and turn him around. Older harry was shaking his head at older draco, tears in his eyes and he was completely silent. Only after Draco felt hopelessness and a loss of the will to live did he understand. Harry was asking permission to reverse the spell and see the events from the blonde's perspective.

Draco felt he owed him that much, so he nodded, then added quickly.

"But only until this point!"

He smiled sadly and left as Draco returned to his sitting room feeling more confused than he ever had before. 


	12. He Believes Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry finally finally gets a little piece of Draco back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own the characters. Rowling does. Enjoy!

Draco's own version of the memories weren't as bad as Harry thought they would be. They weren't exactly a hundred percent happy. Draco had been insecure and on edge the entire time, worrying that Harry would leave him and find someone more worthy of Harry's love. But, at least, he believed Harry loved him and he loved Harry back. That was something. It was everything.

He didn't read into Harry's every move like he did now. He didn't think Harry was with him out of sheer pity and obligation. These feelings seemed to have grown after the war. And Harry wanted to delve deeper and find out what had caused them, but he had promised draco he wouldn't look at any memories after the trial and he honored that promise.

The worst memories were that of the bathroom incident and the chambers incident before that. They had been blurred. Harry almost couldn't find them and he didn't understand at first. He figured that the memories were so painful, that his Draco had blocked them out, somehow. How could he not have noticed? Was he that horrible of a boyfriend? How could he not see Draco's pain that year? He did see it, but he didn't do enough, convinced Draco wanted nothing to do with him.

When Harry returned to the sitting room, he opened his mouth to apologize for the thousandth time when suddenly draco lunged off his side of the couch and onto Harry, clasping their lips together, holding onto Harry desperately as if he never wanted to let go. Harry sunk into the kiss and melted. It had been far too long. He knew that much. He had been so frantic in moving them to the bedroom and getting Draco's clothes off that he had forgotten to undo the mind-link spell. He only noticed when his hand flew to Draco's groin and he was assaulted with a memory that wasn't his own, a horrifying one. Suddenly he was standing in the corner of a small sitting room, watching as Jashua cupped draco's crotch through his trousers. Draco moaned and shook his head. It wasn't a sound of pleasure. Somehow, the moan sounded panicked.

"w-wha?" he heard draco ask, looking through droopy eyelids at Jashua, who was now straddling him while Draco laid on the floor next to their small table. Jashua's eyes flew to the water glasses on the table and he laughed, a dark sound.

"It was just a small potion to loosen you up. You've seemed so tense after that encounter with the saviour. I added a little something else, but we'll find out soon enough." Jashua told him, placing a hand on his stomach and using the other to undo Draco's belt, then remove his trousers.

Harry's eyes shot to the two empty vials on the kitchen counter. One was a severe sedation potion and the other....

Harry's heart sank into his stomach as all the missing puzzle pieces slowly fit together.

_**"I-it didn't do anything wrong. It's not its fault I am so broken."** _

_**"I used to think I would be a good father, too."** _

_**"He can't find out. He'll kill me."** _

_**"I would've done it for the potion, no problem. I needed it."** _

_**"It's a pregnancy test."** _

Harry was snapped out of his thoughts by the screams that tore through Draco's throat. There was tears constantly flowing down his cheek and he was utter loud piercing cries, but Jashua didn't stop pounding into him. Only then did Harry remember that he didn't have permission to see this and that he was powerless to stop it, that all he could do was stand by, listen, and watch as his sobbing ex-lover got pregnant against his will.

He willed himself out of Draco's mind and came to in the bedroom hearing more of Draco's screams at having relived the memory.

"M-make it stop. Make it stop!" he screamed.

"It's alright." Harry murmured, not trusting himself to say much else. He embraced Draco who wriggled out of his touch and left the room without another word.

Harry sighed, hoping Draco wouldn't do anything to himself, but not daring to cast anymore spells on the blonde. His draco had been through enough. He murmured an incantation to make anyone in the house be unable to hurt themselves, then sat up against the bed's headboard, a million thoughts running through his mind.

_**I am going to kill that Jashua** _

Harry knew he wouldn't be able to sleep, not after what he just saw. He was sure Draco was distressed. Who wouldn't be after having to relive it? He instantly felt guilty about forgetting the spell and, more, about casting all the other spells on Draco without his permission. How was he any better than Jashua?

_**Well... I am not a rapist, at least** _

He got up, not wanting to smother Draco but being unable to sit still and wait. It was about 9 pm and neither had had breakfast, lunch, or dinner. Suddenly, Harry had an excuse to be near the blonde. Food!

He found Draco in the sitting room observing the vial that had had the abortion potion. A sickening thought went through Harry's mind.

Draco wasn't lying. The potion wasn't a drug. Draco wasn't an addict. This is how he truly is, how he feels, and Harry has no idea what to do to make it better.... Again.

"Hey.." Harry said carefully, hating to disturb Draco, but thinking that the scene was too sad to go on. "I don't blame you. You did what you had to do. He raped you. He would've made a terrible father. He forced things on you and you didn't have a choice."

Draco looked at the floor and for a single gut-wretching second, Harry thought he would revert back to not talking to Harry anymore. Then, he did.

" I know that here." he said steadily pointing at his head, then moved his hand to his chest." But in here, I feel like a monster."

"You're not though-"

"I don't want to talk about this anymore." the blonde whispered and Harry understood.

"Could I, at least, throw that away?" he asked, already reaching out to take the empty vial from Draco.

Suddenly, the blonde's fingers tightened around it and he looked up at Harry with a strange expression on his face.

"He didn't rape me." he said simply.

"w-what?" Harry snapped, enraged. Draco wasn't afraid this time. He was still and confident. Harry loved it. Harry hated it.

"You said he raped me. He didn't."

"You were almost unconscious."

"Yes, that was unpleasant and I've since then spoken to him about it. It did help with the pain from the lack of preparation, though."

Harry's jaw dropped.

"Y-you're serious?" he shouted, "You think what he did was alright?"

"I've seen it done to people in my chambers and did nothing to intervene." the blonde said. Harry couldn't tell if he wasn't trying to get Harry to let him leave or seeking out Harry's comfort. Harry went with his gut.

"Your mother would've died! You were terrified. I sensed what you were feeling. I would've done the same to save my mother, do you hear me? If you think you deserve what he did to you, you don't."

"I don't believe you." Draco grit out. "You've proved you loved me two years ago. But that doesn't suddenly mean I trust you now. You could still only be doing this to save me."

Harry was frantic.

_**Not this again!** _

_**What could I do to convince him?** _

Then it hit him.

"Alright, how about this?" Harry asked, conjuring a vial of vertiserum and downing it without thinking it through. He could fight the effects anyways but he hoped he wouldn't need to. "Ask me anything."

Draco stared wide-eyed at Harry as if he didn't believe what Harry had just done. Then he cleared his throat.

"Do you think I am a horrible person for killing my child?"

Harry didn't need to lie.

"No. And it wasn't a child, whether you want to hear it or not. Five weeks... It can't hear or see and it doesn't have organs and stuff. Please see reason with this. You only removed some cells that would've turned into a child eventually, but they weren't yet. It wasn't murd-"

"Shut up!" draco suddenly yelled, getting up off the couch and pacing around the room throwing Harry death glares, "What I did was horrible and you know it! I've taken a life, even if it wasn't a life yet! Don't call my child a 'couple of cells'." 

  
"Fine. I won't call it that. But you say you've taken a life. Let me ask you, Draco, what kind of life have you taken? Cause I saw what living with your father did to you and let me tell you, there were times when I thought you'd be better off dead than have to endure one more second of that kind of horrible life!" Harry yelled. His eyes widened upon realizing what he had just said and he started fighting against the potion to take it back, but Draco interrupted him.

"It's alright. I like it when you're honest. I thought Jashua was honest for so long... It doesn't make sense."

Harry was just about to ask what he meant when Draco suddenly wiped around and looked at him with a horrified expression.

"Did you in any way alter the memories or the spell you used to distort reality or your feelings towards me back then?" Draco asked shakily, carefully wording his question to not leave loop-holes. Harry's heart clenched.

"No." he said and was sure no amount of forced smiling would take the hurt expression off his face.

"So, you did love me back then?"

"yes."

"It wasn't about pity or a sense of saving people?"

"No. It wasn't."

Harry knew Draco could tell that he was getting annoyed. How dare he question what Harry was so sure of? What was wrong with him? Was it that difficult to believe that Harry loved him? Suddenly, he realized that, for draco, it was.

"what about now? Why are you helping me now?"

"because I want to protect you!" Harry yelled, then realized this was the last thing that Draco wanted to hear when a triumphant but sad smile plastered across the blonde's face.

Harry groaned.

"Don't look at me like that! You must know what I mean! You were mine to keep and to codle and protect and spend time with and laugh with and make love to and I was the same to you. I want to protect you from these awful thoughts that keep telling you I am lying and that you're a bad person. I would if you let me. I want you to be better so I can have you back, even if not romantically. I just wanted you to be here. It's what I've always wanted. And now that you are, you seem to be analyzing and distrusting of every single thing I do and say. You're making me crazy, Draco. You're making me doubt everything with your question. But I don't doubt my feelings and my intentions. I am sorry you misinterpreted them. Next question."

Draco didn't speak. He stared at Harry, mouth agape and stood still for a moment, then he felt something shift and heard Harry murmuring a spell.

" There. Everything is unlocked. You can leave if you want to. I am not keeping you prisoner." Harry said softly with an edge to his tense voice. Upon seeing the hurt and understanding flash across Draco's face, he quickly added "But I don't want you to, just to be clear. I want you here even if you drive me crazy. It's one of the things I love about you. I still find it cute."

Draco blushed and smiled, looking at the floor for entirely different reasons. Harry finally did it!

_**He believes me.** _

The blonde sat across from Harry once again, looking at him incredously.

"Do you think your life would've been in any way better had you not heard me crying that day in third year?" he asked slowly, gaze still fixed on Harry.

"Absolutely not. I hated it when you were gone, but I would never trade our time together for anything."

Draco let out a breathe he didn't even know he was holding, then continued.

"Do you think I'm crazy?" he whispered.

"No."

"But I confuse things... I remember things wrong and then I find out that they were right but that can't be right because right was wrong and wrong was normal and... I am not making any sense, am I?" he finished bitterly. Harry shook his head and, for a moment, Draco looked crushed, but then Harry took his free hand and looked him in the eyes.

"I understand you, Draco. I always have." he said and Draco actually smiled, but it disappeared within the second.

"Do you feel like I am a burden on you now?" he asked, his eyes wide and searching Harry's.

"No. And you never were."

The blonde exhaled in relief, then opened his other hand and gave Harry the vial to discard. he took it quickly and vanished it, then smiled at his ex-lover who was already showing signs of improvement. He briefly wondered if Draco was faking and his thoughts were still clouding his judgment, but scowled at himself for even thinking about casting the connection spell again. He couldn't do that to Draco. They need to trust each other if whatever this was was going to work out.

"What do you want for a meal?" Harry asked, standing up and already making his way to the kitchen, but stopped abruptly when hearing no response. He turned around to find Draco sitting in the same position and looking at the floor. He wished he could give Draco some truth serum as well and start his own line of questioning, but he still had the third day for that. At least he had earned the blonde's trust.

Harry stood impatiently waiting for an answer, but Draco didn't look up.

"You know what? Sod that." Harry said, suddenly getting an idea he hoped he wouldnt regret, "Let's go out. I'll glamor both of us. You pick the place. How does that sound?"

At that suggestion, however, Draco seemed to pull away further.

"What's wrong with eating out?!" Harry snapped, not knowing what he did to cause Draco to climb back into his shell. Draco mumbled something inaudible.

"What?"

The blonde flinched and Harry was just going to apologize, but then he heard the response.

"I can't let you pay and I don't have any money."

Harry's heart sunk further down if possible.

_**Idiot** _

_**Idiot. Idiot. Idiot!** _

_**Draco just spent days telling you that he feels like a burden and when he is finally convinced he isn't, you do this?** _

_**Way to go, Harry** _

_**Oh God, my thoughts are starting to sound like his** _

_**This needs to stop!** _

With a sigh, Harry argued no further, turned on his heel, pulled out the boxes of chocolates he asked Kreacher for, then sat down next to draco and put the boxes in between the two of them, opening Draco's favorite and taking out the long biscuit one that they always used to split in Hogwarts when Draco's mom sent boxes over.

"I haven't been able to eat one of those without you having the other half. Care to indulge me?" he asked, desperately hoping Draco doesn't interpret it as a pity offering.

To his delight, Draco grinned widely, took the biscuit, split it in half, then kicked the chocolate off his and devoured the biscuit before handing Harry his own half. Harry simply laughed and did the same, then they continued to do the same until the box was empty. 


	13. It Wasn't Perfect Anymore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Draco tries to fight his demons when he gets traumatic flashbacks during sex. Harry, as usual, has no idea what to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rowling owns the characters. I don't.

Draco knew this thing with Harry wouldn't last long. He woke up on the third day in Harry's arms and it felt wonderful. That is, until he remembered that he was nothing, that he was nobody. He now knew Harry didn't think so. Afterall, he could've hardly fought the potion and changed the memory. Could he? Would he go through that much trouble just to help Draco? Draco was fine, though. It was a bad few weeks and they've past and so will this.

It didn't matter what Harry thought anyway. Draco couldn't stay there. It wouldn't be right. It wouldn't be fair for Harry. Harry has everything to offer and Draco has nothing.

No job.

No standing in the muggle or Wizarding world.

No name.

No money.

No status.

Nothing.

He couldn't even get Harry a birthday present or send him letters or surprise him with treacle tarts on Halloween like he used to.

No. He had to end everything when the third day is done.

He was snapped out of his thoughts when Harry suddenly jumped awake searching frantically on both sides of the bed with his eyes and hands for Draco. The sight made Draco's decision even harder on him.

"d-draco?" Harry whispered into the dark room and Draco knew he had to say something to reassure the man, that he couldn't share his thoughts yet. That last day was theirs and theirs alone.

"Sorry, I was just looking for the loo." he said lamely, not able to come up with a better excuse at the sight of Harry's ruffled hair and wide eyes, no longer hidden behind large glasses.

Harry eyed him with a puzzled expression then pointed at the door right behind where Draco stood. Draco looked at it for a moment, then thought of another way to get out of the awkward explanation Harry no doubt expected.

"I just missed the way you look when you're asleep. Had to get a better angle."

The tactic worked and Harry blushed then started stammering awkward thank yous, not knowing what else to say.

_How could Harry be so modest and humble?_

_How is he not used to compliments?_

_He's....everything_

Of course, Draco knew the answer to that. It was that sodding cupboard and the monsters that put him there. Had Draco still had his wand, there's no telling what he would've done to them after Harry was no longer in their care.

_How could someone destroy something so perfect?_

Draco simply smiled then got back in the bed, when Harry suddenly cast a lumos. He had been doing that all night. Waking up, casting the spell, then, after he made sure Draco was there and in one piece, cast a nox and cuddled up to the blonde again with a happy sigh.

_Why is he so happy to see me?_

_He must have thousands of fan girls and guys throwing themselves at him..._

Suddenly, a jealous rage tore itself through Draco and he needed reassurance that Harry was his and his alone, even if only for tonight. He put a hand on harry's, the one holding the wand, and the brunette caught the message and flicked the light off. As soon as he set it down, Draco attacked, Straddling him and taking off his shirt to let his hands roam all over Harry's toned muscles. Auror training had done his Harry well, not that he needed it. He was perfect eitherway. But it was nice not to see him starved like he was at the start of every hogwarts year.

He reached upwards and tweaked Harry's nipples, then attacked them with his mouth, earning him a moan from the other man. Then, suddenly, he was being lifted and thrown onto his back on the other side of the bed with Harry on top of him, straddling his waist and taking off his shirt. He didn't need to worry about the scars or the mark or the way his wrists looked. The light was off, just like Draco had requested from Harry all those years ago.

And it was perfect...until harry's hand moved towards Draco's pyjama pants, teasing the wasteline. Draco was assaulted with memories of Jashua touching him, taking off his pants, shoving inside him, while Draco laid there, unable to do anything more than cry. And he was crying again, without meaning to. He kept it silent, though, let the tears flow out of his eyes freely to keep his breathe from hitching and his throat from constricting. Draco was fine. He was Jashua's boyfriend, so Jashua had every right to want sex and take it. Why was Draco acting like such a baby? Everything was fine... Except it wasn't.

He hadn't even noticed Harry rutting against him, grabbing both their erections into a loose fist and stroking them back and forth. He wanted to be good for Harry. He wanted to be fine. He wanted Harry to take away all the bad memories and replace them with a good one. He wanted their last day together to be perfect. And what was more perfect than giving Harry morning sex?

He wanted all of that, but, to his horror, Draco could feel himself wilting, even in Harry's touch and that was what convinced him that he was completely and irreparably broken.

"Um...Draco?" Harry asked after a few minutes of trying and failing to get Draco hard again.

He couldn't speak. He knew if he did, his voice would give him away. He let the tears fall with his shame and sadness. Harry was disappointed in him. He couldn't even give his Harry one day of happiness. Unless...he could convince Harry to enjoy him without worrying about Draco's pleasure.

"Just... Keep going. I'll get there." he reassured the brunette with what he hoped was a steady voice. But Harry wasn't convinced and Draco could see he was reaching out for his wand, no doubt to cast a lumos. Then, Draco would be caught and he'd be on display, all faults and everything. He couldn't have that.

Without waiting for permission, Draco flipped Harry over and swallowed him whole in one go, trying his best not to gag around Harry's thick and long cock. Harry arched up and groaned, but Draco placed his hands on either side of Harry's hips to keep him steady. He tried his best to keep Harry distracted from the tears landing on his groin and cupped his balls, squeezing and massaging them. It seemed to have worked, since Harry put both his hands on draco's head and gently pulled his hair.

Draco was immediately reminded of all the times his hair was used against him. Images of Jashua dragging him through the halls to the bedroom by it, when it was way longer, hit him instantly and he had to suppress a sob. Fear gripped his entire body and took complete hold when he realized he was even more afraid of Harry noticing what was happening. He knew his work was getting sloppy and scrambled in his mind to remember how to give proper head but came up blank.

"Draco..." Harry whispered. His voice steady.

_Why has his voice steady?_

_Was draco doing it wrong?_

_If course he was doing it wrong!_

_'can you do anything right, you death water scum? '_

Draco immediately stiffened upon hearing Jashua's voice and words in his mind. He tried to continue his work, but he could feel Harry's hands on his shoulders, trying to push him away.

_No!_

_If Harry would just finish..._

_It could still be perfect_

"Draco.. Please stop."

Draco realized Harry had been asking him to stop for minutes, but his body was still responding. There was still hope. So, Draco swallowed Harry's cock like his life depended on it, willing Harry to just come already. But he didn't. Instead, Draco felt himself being shoved violently to the foot of the bed, as far away from Harry as possible and heard Harry shouting in a voice that didn't even seem like it belonged to the brunette. Draco couldn't even recognize it but he knew it couldn't be anything good.

"I said fucking stop!"

Draco blinked, not fully comprehending what was happening, until he noticed he was shaking. He had given himself away. If only he had stayed in control for a few more seconds....

But, no. He didn't. He couldn't. And he couldn't because he was pathetic. 

Draco didn't even move from where Harry had thrown him, too petrified to do anything. The memories were still playing in his mind and, no matter how hard he wanted to apologize to Harry, not a single muscle in his body would bloody work. He couldn't even move his hands to stifle the sobs that were escaping his mouth. He was barely aware of his surroundings, of Harry rushing over to him the second he shoved him away, whispering 'its going to be alright' in his ear.

He still couldn't move, not until Harry cast that damned spell and saw Draco's bruised and broken body, along with the scars from the bathroom incident that seemed to hold Harry's gazr for too long before he finally rested his eyes on the mark and the two slashes from his attempts. Only then could he turn to rest on his side, pull his knees up to his chest and weep in a ball, no longer giving a damn about his perfect day.

It wasn't perfect anymore. Draco had ruined it. 


	14. What Have I Done?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't own any of the characters. Rowling does. Enjoy!

Harry had gone to bed the second night with his Draco in his arms. For the first time since he saw the blonde all those weeks ago, he felt hopeful. Draco knew the truth and he ate something and he didn't leave harry's side at night. Harry had checked, throughly, through the night to make sure he was still there. He still felt afraid that Draco would bolt and leave him like he had in the past or worse that he would leave him permenantly like he had intended after the trial. The thought put a damper on his sleep but it was worth it everytime he got up and saw that Draco was still there.

The unrealistic idea that Draco was now completely fine, though, disappeared in the morning when the blonde started to shake with Harry on top of him. After Draco rolled them over and took charge, Harry had just attributed the shaking to pleasure, but soon it became apparent that something was wrong. Draco's tears were falling onto Harry as the blonde continued to suck him off, determined that Harry finish even though he, himself, seemed miserable, and not stopping even when Harry asked him to.

Harry didn't want this. He didn't want Draco feeling like his own pleasure didn't matter, but apparently, he had pushed Draco away a little too roughly in his haste to prove it and make it all worse. His heart clenched as his lover laid at the foot of the bed unmoving with a terrified look in his wet eyes.

_**How could someone do this to his Draco?** _

It became worse after he saw Draco's torso and the bruises left there by Jashua, he assumed, and the scars that Harry had inflicted upon him when Draco was being controlled and had no idea what was happening. Harry didn't mean to look at the blonde with digust. The feeling had been toward himself and the blonde's so-called 'loving' boyfriend. But Draco seemed to have absorbed the digust completely and aimed it at himself as he shrank away from Harry, curled up into a ball, and started sobbing his eyes out.

"Draco.." Harry started, not really knowing where he was going with this. He continued to fight the urge to pull at his hair as his hands dangled uselessly at his side. He sat on his knees next to the blubbering blonde not having any idea of how to make him feel better. They needed to discuss treatment options for Draco that day. Harry was determined that they do. He was still hopeful. This was just a setback. It had to be. Draco had to be alright.

Harry reached out to embrace the blonde, but Draco pulled away and seemed intent on leaving the room entirely.

"No!" he had yelled.

"M'sorry"

"Why are you sorry?" Harry asked softly, trying to stave off his rage at the blonde's completely unnecessary apology.

"M'broken. can't even give you this. Can't give you anything."

Suddenly, Harry understood. At least, he hoped he had. The last thing he wanted was to make things worse.

"I don't need this, Draco. I don't need anything. Having you is enough."

But, at harry's words, Draco's sobs only grew louder and more high-pitched.

"N-now you're giving up th-things for me. I j-just want to p-please you, Harry."

"If that's all you want, then it's easy, Draco. What do you need? Me knowing what you need will please me."

"I-I only need to m-make you h-happy like y-you make me."

"This is you happy?"

The question was out of his mouth before he could think about it. Then, it was too late and Draco was releasing shaking breathes, trying to stop his tears. Harry didn't want that. He just wanted Draco to be fine, not pretend to be fine!

" It's alright." Draco whispered in a more steady voice, "Only today left."

_**WHAT!** _

_**NO!** _

_**His Draco was already thinking of leaving him again.** _

_**This couldn't be happening!** _

"Draco!" he said as calmly as he could. "You know what would make me happy? Breakfast. You want breakfast, right?"

He knew it was low. Draco had shared and Harry was using his worries to get him to eat more, but Harry didn't care. Perhaps part of his negative mood was lack of food? Maybe? Hopefully?

Draco nodded slowly, then got off the bed and started heading towards the door.

"Where are you going?" Harry asked, afraid of the answer and the abrupt change in Draco's demeanor.

"Going to make breakfast." Draco told him slowly like it was the most normal thing in the world for him to make Harry food while crying his eyes out.

"No! That's not what I meant."

Draco's shoulders slumped and Harry knew he was beating himself up for misunderstanding Harry.

"Here is what we'll do." Harry started, hoping his technique would work, "You said you wanted me to be happy today, right? Well, let's make this the perfect day. We'll both put ideas in a jar and draw randomly until the end of the day. Doesn't that sound fun?"

Harry knew he was talking to Draco as if he were a child, but he didn't know what else to do to get his lover to tell him wanted the bloody hell he needed from Harry to get better.

" Alright..." Draco said tentatively, but seemed to have calmed down enough and Harry had counted that as a win. He gathered some shredded papers, two pens and an empty jar, then set them on the bed, called for kreacher to bring up two plates of food, then set about writing everything he thinks might help draco during this day. Even more, the things that could convince Draco that he should stay.

When kreacher showed up with two plates, Draco shot an accusing look at Harry, who beamed at the first emotion Draco had displayed that day that wasnt entirely negative.

"I am going to throw away anything you don't eat, just to be clear. Maybe just to spite you. So, it's your choice really."

The blonde eyed him questioningly then burst into laughter. Harry gave himself a high five in his head.

"Harry, come on. I am not a complete invalid. I do eat. I just don't do it here."

There it was! An opening. Now, he just had to tread carefully and not upset the blonde.

"hmm and why not?" he asked, trying to sound casual.

Draco stole quick glances between Harry and the plate. Harry felt like understood the blonde's reasoning, but be also wanted Draco to say it so Harry could jump in with an argument. But it looked like draco wouldn't speak, so Harry continued anyways.

"Draco.. Do you remember how many things you bought and made me during school?"

The blonde's eyes widen then he looked to the floor and stayed silent.

"You do, don't you?" he nudged gently, trying to get the blonde to eat guilt-free, "Then you also remember that I couldn't get you anything, right? I wanted to. I wanted to get you everything you wanted but I simply didn't have the means. A-are you mad at me for that? Did you think *I* was some sort of burden?"

Draco quickly shook his head.

" Not the same." he whispered," The Dursleys did that to you. I brought this on myself. "

Harry took a deep breathe, cursing the day of the trial and everything Draco had lost, even if Harry didn't care about any of it. Apparently, it meant a lot to Draco.

"That's not true and that's not the point, love!" Harry shouted then flushed at his slip, but Draco didn't seem to notice, instead keeping his attention on the full plate in front of him. "You didn't find me a burden then and I don't find you one now."

Draco looked up at Harry with a puzzled expression and pressed his lips into a thin line.

"You really want me to eat this, don't you?"

"Yes! Please!" Harry said then casually added "I-I mean only If you want to."

Draco immediately beamed and started scarfing down the food on the plate. Harry couldn't decide whether he should be glad that his lover was eating or worried that he was only doing so because Harry wanted it. He decided something was better than nothing and smiled at the blonde.

Draco seemed escastic as he ate, like he hadn't tasted real food in decades. Harry would've normally been content just watching him moaning at the taste with a wide smile on his face and a spark of light in his eyes. But he wasn't. The arms of the clock ticking where like shards of glass digging into every inch of his body, ticking away as his limited time with the blonde made itself known.

_**Maybe now he will remember how good food is and will eat without my persistence?** _

_**What if he doesn't?** _

_**I can keep asking him to eat and then he'll get used to it.** _

_**But then it won't be real. Draco would still feel like a burden.** _

_**The only difference is that he would force himself to act normal just so you don't get upset.** _

_**Would that really be any better?** _

_**How do I help you, Draco?** _

"Thank you." he heard the blonde whisper as he put away his empty plate and moved to take Harry's only to pause, horrified, at the still full plate in front of the brunette. He looked like he was about to apologize, so Harry quickly started stuffing his face and pretending to like it until, minutes later, everything was gone.

Draco smiled, seemingly satisfied, and took both their plates down to the kitchen without being asked to. Harry took the opportunity to look through Draco's paper pile, determined to find out what the blonde wanted to do, only to have a horrifying realization.

1\. Eat treacle tart.  
2\. Go flying on the pitch  
3\. Make love   
4\. Take a bubble bath together

They weren't much, but Harry knew these weren't things Draco wanted. They weren't things he could even do. Draco had written down all the activities that Harry liked in order to please Harry.

Hurriedly, Harry crumpled the papers and vanished them, determined to make this day perfect and convince Draco to stay.

When the blonde came back, Harry threw on a wide smile and shoved the jar towards him. Draco pulled out a random paper.

"Visit a bookstore?" Draco asked quietly. "You don't read."

"Hey! I can read."

"Of course you can, but you've never liked it before... I had to force you to go with me many times when we were in hogwarts. Let me pick another one."

Harry's hand flew to Draco's, holding it steady and keeping it from reaching the jar. He needed Draco to remember how fun life could be. He needed him to see the things he seemed to have forgotten about.

"No. These were the rules. We have to go."

Draco looked uneasy for a moment and Harry didn't have to ask why this time.

"We don't have to buy anything." he said quickly. "I'd like you to, but if you don't feel like it, we could just look around."

A faint smile made its way to Draco's face and Harry was instantly relieved. He was starting to understand the blonde's way of thinking. Maybe that would help him figure out what to do.

Draco insisted on going to a muggle bookstore, not wanting to risk being seen and sent to Azkaban. Harry quickly agreed and they apparted to a bookstore that Harry knew was far from Draco's house. He didn't want to risk Jashua seeing them. He didn't know want he would do if he saw the large man and wouldn't be held accountable for destroying him.

Harry tried his best to look interested in some books in front of him, glancing at Draco through the corner of his eye. The blonde didn't beam at the books and start demanding that the employees educate themselves better on proper literature. Neither did he even glance at the classics section, which Harry knew was Draco's favorite. Instead, he started to rearrange the books that were out of place and crossed his arms on front of his chest as he looked at the shelves and deemed them fixed, then he turned and sat on the reading couch in the middle of the room, waiting, presumably, for Harry.

Suddenly, Harry caught sight of the psychology section and a thought came to his mind. He thought of Hermione and how she always turned to books for answers. He never used to do that, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

He sat down on the couch next to the blonde, who instantly looked up at him and forced a smile. Harry swallowed.

_**Had he looked that creepy when plastering on a smile for the blonde?** _

Harry decided he couldn't hold back anymore. There would be no more fake smiles and light conversations. This was truth time. He spoke from the heart.

"You know you don't need to do that, right?" he asked the blonde, who looked confused, "I don't want you to pretend around me. I don't even want you to be happy anymore. I don't want anything from you, just honesty, alright? Could you give me that?"

Draco's smile instantly disappeared and was replaced with a frown as he nodded his head and looked to the floor.

" D-did the doctors say anything?" Harry asked him, hoping the blonde wouldn't freak out at the forwardness of the question.

" what do you mean, Harry?"

"After Jashua found you and took you into the ER after you... Did the doctors give you a name? A diagnosis? Anything to help you get better?"

The blonde laughed half-heartedly, but answered in a whisper.

"They claimed I had major depressive disorder."

"Alright. Thank you for sharing." Harry said quickly, not caring how lame his statement was. He had a name. This was a thing. Other people had it as well and it was known. Harry only hoped it was curable. In one eye swipe, Harry found 5 books on the illness and proceeded to purchase all of them, then went back to Draco, who was still seated in the exact same place.

"do you want anything?"

Draco shook his head no, then got up and followed Harry out of the place.

"How about the mall, then? You love designer clothes! We could pick somethings out for us both and you can ridicule my style all you want like you used to."

Draco simply stared at him. Harry flinched. He had forgotten for a second that none of those things would happen, not while Draco was like this. He shook his head and took the blonde to a mall anyways, regretting it as soon as they entered the place and draco made a beeline for the 'husband chair' in the corner. Harry sighed and they left shortly after. The day couldn't have gone any worse, but then it did. It was almost 9 pm when they returned and Harry groaned at the thought that he would have to force Draco to eat something. Before he could open his mouth, though, the blonde turned to look at him with a genuine smile.

"I had a lot of fun, Harry. Thank you."

_**What the hell?** _

_**Is he being polite?** _

_**Is he mocking me?** _

_**He seems genuine..** _

_**But he was so distant and disinterested all day** _

"umm...Are you sure?" he asked in disbelief. Harry was sure the look on his face was comical, but Draco was frowning and looking him up and down.

"Yeah.." he started, "Everyone I met during these two years pressured me to just be normal. It's clear you're not comfortable with me like this, but you let me be. I really appreciate that."

Harry continued to gap at him, not believing what he was hearing.

_**Draco had had fun?** _

_**This was enough for Draco, but was Draco enough for me when like this?** _

_**Would he stay this way forever?** _

_**It's like living with a ghost.** _

Harry told himself it would be fine, that Draco would be fine. He had a good day, despite it all. This could be enough for Harry for now.

"I am really happy to hear that, Draco." Harry whispered, reaching out and taking both Draco's hands in his. He was just about to lean in for a kiss when Draco beat him to it. And, for a moment, Harry thought Draco had changed his mind. He thought that everything would turn out like he planned. That is, until Draco pulled back and gave him another sad smile.

"Thank you again, Harry. You've reminded me of what it was like to be loved without hurting because of it. Although I don't think I'll have that kind of love again, it is nice to know it exists, that I had it once. I'll miss you terribly, but I am afraid our time is up."

_**No!** _

" You could still have it again!" Harry screamed frantically, hovering near the door to prevent the blonde from leaving even though Draco had made no attempt to go near the exit and could not leave the Wizarding world without Harry, eitherway.

" Harry-"

" No! Listen, you said you like this. Y-you said you were happy. 

You said you'd had fun! W-why do you want to leave? I don't understand! Please explain it to me so I can convince you to stay."

Draco just stared at him like he was insane, like the answer was obvious and it droze Harry crazy.

"I-I don't want to leave, Harry, but I have to." the blonde said calmly.

"No. You don't! How many times do I have to tell you that I want you around? I want you here."

"well, I don't!" Draco yelled, having raised his voice for the first time that day.

"It isn't about you wanting me here, potter! Thank God you're now silent for a second so I could explain, though I am certain you won't understand. You don't even want to understand. He just want me to stay for some reason, even though you clearly didn't like me anymore. It's like you want me to burden you . This isn't about you not seeing me as a burden. Eitherway, I will feel like one, but you don't give a shit about my feelings, do you? You just want me to do whatever it is you desire. You think I am going about my life wrong? Alright, you're right. I am. Nothing new there. Failure as I will always be and I am fine with that. It's none of your business anyway. We aren't lovers. I will always feel like a burden with you and it will make me even worse. Surely you don't want that?"

"But you aren't! And we can be lovers again! Who said I don't like you? " Harry yelled back. He wasn't sure why. He felt like if he shouted it loudly enough, Draco would finally get it through that thick head of his.

"You aren't even listening to me now, Harry. Don't you see! I told you it doesn't matter what you think. I will believe that I am a burden regardless. I will not be made to feel that way again. I am sure you don't like me anymore. My presence is causing you some sort of pain, even if you deny it."

"Because you keep putting yourself down and I care about you! How.. How do I make you feel like you're not a burden! I have to help!" Harry screamed and pulled at his hair.

"I don't know!" Draco yelled back, then the entire room suddenly went silent with the implication of his words.

_**This is it..** _

_**He's going to leave me alone again** _

_**Third time shouldn't hurt so badly, but it still does for some reason.** _

_**Think, Harry, think.** _

_**How can you get him to see you again?** _

"You said us being lovers would make you feel bad." he started slowly and Draco nodded, "what if we were just friends, then? Would that be alright?"

He could already see Draco's thoughts clouding his judgment, convincing him that this was a bad idea, that he doesn't deserve this, doesn't deserve Harry. He had to beat them to his Draco.

"I won't buy you anything! Never. I won't do anything you don't want to do. And I definitely won't come on to you. It's your life, Draco. You should have full control of it."

Draco looked away from Harry.

"Wouldn't that make you unhappy?"

Harry was about to lie and say no, when he remembered their pact to be honest and how touched Draco was at Harry's normal attitude around him.

"yes." he said softly and Draco looked about ready to say no to the proposal, "But losing you entirely will make me a lot more unhappy a lot faster, trust me."

"Even when I am like this?" he gestured to himself. Harry couldn't help but smile as draco's insecurity FINALLY made him resemble his Draco.

"Yes."

Draco attempted and failed to hide a blush and faint smile, then looked about ready to agree when his eyes suddenly filled with sadness and he gave that damned smile again.

"I don't think it would work."

Harry couldn't help it. He started yanking at his hair violently.

"Why the sodding hell not?!"

"Because I wouldn't agree if I didn't know about your feelings and, after today, I can't know about them."

_**He's not making any sense again!** _

_**When will this end?** _

"stop being cryptic! Why can't we be friends?"

The blonde stepped forward, placed his hand on Harry's shoulder and looked into his eyes.

"because I can't leave here without being obliviated." he whispered calmly, though there were tears running down his eyes. Harry couldn't take it anymore. He recast all the locking and silencing charms and locked his eyes on the blonde, who seemed frightened of him for a second.

" Then you cannot leave here period!" he shouted at the top of his lungs. He expected protests from the blonde, but, to his surprise, Draco's shoulders slumped and he dropped down on the far end of the couch, curling in on himself and putting his head in his arms.

_**What have I done?** _


	15. He's being like Jashua

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't own any of the characters. Rowling does. Enjoy!

_It's weird._

_He's being like Jashua._

_All possessive and controlling and locking me inside._

_It was never nice, but it's what I deserve. So I liked it._

_Why couldn't I like it with Harry? Wasn't it the same?_

_But Harry wasn't doing it because he thought I deserve it._

_No. He was trying to save me again._

_Fuck! Jashua was right. I knew it! How could I have been so stupid._

"Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Freak. Bloody invalid, Idiot." Draco murmured into the back of the couch without even realizing he was speaking out loud.

"Never call yourself that, Draco!" he heard Harry yell.

Harry always yelled at Draco and Draco deserved it. He was such an idiot. He needed to get back to Jashua and beg him for forgiveness. Those three days had been just what Draco had feared: a huge lie.

Suddenly, Harry's arms were engulfing him and the blonde fought to no avail. He didn't deserve comfort, but Harry, being the kind person that he is, was giving it to him nonetheless. It felt nice. Wrong, but nice. It didn't make any sense.

"oh, Draco, what can I do?" Harry whispered while still holding onto to the blonde.

Draco, determined, finally wiped around and looked Harry in the eyes, willing him to understand the seriousness of the situation.

"Obliviate me!" he yelled. Harry only shook his head in response, not letting go of Draco's arms.

"Why would you want that? You finally know the truth."

_Not the truth. It can't be the truth. You're manipulating me again._

"N-no, I don't. You know why. You saw what happened. If you don't obliviate me it'll get worse."

Suddenly, Harry had that same look in his eyes. The one Jashua has when he was furious and about to attack Draco. The blonde didn't know why he suddenly felt afraid. This was what he was used to, but was it, though? No. This was new territory. At least he knew what Jashua would do, how far he would go, and that he would never do anything that would cause permenant injury.

_Was harry different?_

_How far would he be willing to go to keep me here?_

_Would he break my legs?_

_Obliviate my mind of Jashua?_

_I guess if he does that, it wouldn't matter what he did._

_I would have nowhere else to go._

_But Jashua would come looking for me eventually. Wouldn't he?_

"Of course he would!" Harry suddenly yelled, "That's the problem. The guy is insane. I would never do anything to you like he does. It's horrible. Please! You can't go back to him, please."

The brunettes eyes were wide and pleading and all anger seemed to have left him entirely. His sudden change of mood made Draco not notice his suspiciously on-point words.

"I have no where else to go, potter!" the blonde exclaimed and Harry seemed to deflate at the use of his last name, "Now, if you care about me one bit, please drop this now and send me home."

Harry looked at the wand sitting on the table in front of the both of them.

"I-I can't." he whispered, looking away, "I can't take everything back. You finally remember me and us and how we were and how I felt. I want you to remember that. You said it made you happy to remember. Why are you doing this? Why are you making yourself miserable for this other guy? What do you gain from being with him? Why do you feel like a burden with me, but it's alright for you to stay with him? It doesn't make any sense!"

By the end of his rambling session, Harry was pulling at his hair violently. Again. Draco had no idea what to say. Everything Harry just mentioned was true, but how would he even begin to answer the questions Harry had.

_I am not a burden with him._

_He barely gives me anything_

_I am miserable with him and I deserve to be._

_I live in fear and my life is no longer my own._

_I feel like a prisoner and it's what I deserve to be._

_With you, Ill feel human, like I felt today, and I can't have that._

_You deserve better, Harry. You won't admit it, but you won't love me when I am like this. I can see it in your eyes._

_I just wish you'd admit it._

"He loves me, Harry. I could never be a burden on him." Draco winds up saying, but Harry looks sad enough to have heard his while internal monologue.

"What if I loved you too?" Harry asked quietly, looking at the floor.

_You don't._

_I know you don't._

_The way you look at me and treat me now is nothing like the way you did back when you used to really love me._

_It's different and that's good._

_It makes my decision easier._

"It's not the same." the blonde whispers back and Harry nods in understanding, though he seems crushed. Draco is astonished that Harry doesn't press the matter further. And for a split second, he thinks the brunette might finally, finally understand where Draco is coming from. That is, until he speaks again.

"I-I still can't do it, Draco. I'm sorry."

_But... Where does that leave me?_

_I can't go back to Jashua and risk him giving me another potion then not letting me get rid of it._

_Unless...I go deeper into knock turn this time and make sure I can never get pregnant again._

An image of eight children with green eyes and blonde hair running towards Draco as he comes back from work suddenly assaults his brain and he feels tears running down his cheek.

"There's something else you can do." he whispers as he looks up at Harry, who also has tears in his eyes for some reason. But before he can continue, he is interrupted by Harry's sobbing.

"N-no! I w-won't let you do that either." he chokes out, "Y-you don't want this, Draco. Trust me. Please don't do this."

"You don't even know what I was going to suggest." the blonde grits out, impatient, and angry at Harry for refusing him every possible course of action.

"Yes, I do! I won't let you maim yourself! What about your kids running towards you and building a fort and everything? You'd be willing to give that up?" Harry screams through sobs.

"I have no choice. Even if I did, I know I'd be a terrible father. Perhaps my ability to conceive was wrongly given to me. This will make things right. I was never meant to be a family man or anything really."

"There must be another way!" Harry continued, ignoring Draco's statement.

"There isn't." Draco whispered, and silence followed. He didn't dare look at Harry and the tear streaks on his face. Harry was now his enemy. Keeping him from Jashua, taking all that was left of Draco's control, which wasn't very much. The blonde supposed it didn't matter. He had no control to begin with, but he truly didn't expect Harry to abuse his power.

_Stupid Draco_

"What if I find a way to block your memories to anyone but yourself?" Harry asked him, finally causing Draco to look up.

"How long will that take? I want to leave as soon as possible."

He doesn't know why he said it and he doesn't care about harry's hurt expression. Harry was threatening to keep him there moments before and he needed to jump at any chance to leave. He could never come back here. Harry was bad and dangerous.

Harry took a shaking breathe, snapping draco out of his thoughts, and looked frantic for a moment before more tears filled his eyes.

_What in Merlin's name is the matter with him today?_

"I-I'm g-giving you a ch-choice, Draco. I-I" he started, then burst into tears. The blonde felt bad for him, but he didn't know what was wrong and he was still angry at Harry for locking him inside, so he did nothing to comfort the other man and waited for him to continue.

It together forever, but, finally, he took another shaking breathe and, his entire body trembling, he continued. "I m-meant what I s-said. Y-you... You have control. I-I won't stop you from leaving or from choosing to lose those memories even if I don't support it. It's w-entirely upto y-you. If you agree to the s-spell, I'll cast it. I-if you want to buy the potion, I'll give you the money and come with you. I-if y-you w-want me to ob-obliviate you, I'll do it."

Draco was stunned. Was Harry serious? He was really giving Draco control? This couldn't be...there had to be some kind of catch. Or maybe he'd give the blonde everything then take it away just to torture him. Yeah. That sounds right. Harry wants Draco here. The blonde didn't need to enjoy being there so that Harry can be satisfied. He just needed to stay with Harry and then Harry could do whatever he was planning to.

Suddenly, Harry's hands were on Draco's chin and Draco was forced to look into his green, wet, serious eyes.

"Just to be clear, I am really hoping you don't choose the last two, but it's still up to you. I won't do anything but what you tell me to do and, I am hoping we can still be friends of you don't choose obliviation."

Harry gave Draco a sad smile then closed his eyes. The blonde was abruptly assaulted by weird emotions. He knew they weren't his own. Harry was showing him how he feels. There were no ill intentions or thoughts of taking back the offers. All there was was geniunesness and a strong want, no *need*, for draco not to pick obliviation, and then a weaker one for him not to lose the ability of having children. Not because of any twisted plans, but because Harry knew how much Draco had wanted kids and didn't want him to be upset if he decides that he wants them again and can't have them.

"Alright. You can do the spell." draco said without even realizing it. Then looked up to see Harry wiling widely and nodding his head. He realized Draco and Harry's emotions vanished from within the Blonde. But, he still felt something linger: happiness with the choice. He didn't know if it was harry's or his own. 


	16. That's It?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't own any of the characters. Rowling does. Enjoy!

It didn't take that long for Harry to discover a spell of permenant occlumency on certain memories. It was only a phone call to Hermione that found him knowing it. Suddenly, he beat himself up for calling the witch instead of dragging him time out with Draco and searching for the spell, himself. It didn't matter. He needed Draco to leave as soon as possible. He couldn't imagine what his huge boyfriend would do to him if Harry kept him for even longer.

He had to keep that in mind when he cast the spell, checked that it was working, and ap parted Draco back into the alley next to the supermarket. So much had happened since he had picked the blonde up there three days earlier, but he knew he had to put everything at the back of his mind now. If he thinks for a moment about what he had learned, how broken Draco is, and what his Draco was going back to, Harry would embrace him, take him home and lock him in there forever, away from the cruel world that did this to him. But he couldn't do that, not if he truly wanted Draco to be whole again. He had cast the spell again and what he heard from Draco's thoughts had crushed him. He needed Draco to trust him again. This was the only way.

The blonde smiled at him and started to walk away. It crushed harry's heart. The brunette had been hoping Draco would change his mind at the last minute.

_**That's it?** _

_**I need more...** _

"Draco?" Harry shouted at his back. The blonde turned and looked at him, frightened. Harry sighed.

_**He still doesn't trust me** _

"be careful over there. Don't drink anything he offers you. Try not to upset him too much. Be convincing with the story. Please don't get hurt." Harry said in one breathe. Draco looked at him, then laughed and shook his head.

"I know what I am doing, Harry. Don't worry." he said, then turned again. Harry couldn't stop himself.

"do you... Would you mind if I cast a spell on you to let me know if you're too badly hurt?"

Draco's expression turned panicked again and he hurriedly shook his head.

"he might detect it and, knowing you, you'd probably barge in there at the slightest hint of injury. You have no idea how bad it has been and I've survived without you so far, saviuor." he said, then chuckled.

It was meant to be a joke, but Harry wasn't laughing. His focus was on the last two sentences and what Draco had meant by them. If Jashua had taken it very far in the past, he would do it again, and, what if Draco didn't make it this time. It didn't take a genius to know that this Jashua didnt care about Draco and would discard him rather than take him to a hospital and have to face question. Harry had to face the truth: nobody in the world cared about Draco expect for him and he would be left completely alone with Jashua if Harry doesn't remain in his life.

The thought terrified Harry and he was more determined than ever to stay on the blonde's good side. Silently and wand less, he cast the spell anyway, knowing he had to make sure Draco was safe, but not wanting the blonde to know that Harry went against his wishes. Then, another thought occured to him.

"draco!" he yelled one last time. The blonde turned around looking annoyed and impatient. Harry didn't care. This one was important. "When can I see you again? Where? I need to know."

Draco looked at him confused, then whispered.

"Are you really sure you want to see me again, Harry? This isn't some kind of phase. I don't want you to save me. I will always think the way I do and I will always go back to Jashua. Are you prepared to accept that?"

Harry knew it wasn't true, that Draco simply had a disease he wasn't given treatment for. It still stung to hear the seriousness in the blonde's voice and for the first time, Harry truly thought about the answer to his question. Would Harry be able to remain by Draco's side, even if he was miserable and beaten, to support him going back to Jashua? To not be able to touch him or take him away? Would he be willing to watch his Draco walk into his own doom time after time again until Jashua inevitably kills him. The answer was a hesitant no. He didn't want to be around for that, but it would be worse if he knew what was happening to Draco yet left the blonde behind to fend for himself. It was an impossible decision!

"of course." he said quickly, not wanting the blonde to take back his friendship. Draco looked unconvinced.

"I think you're lying. You want me to be truthful with you, but you're lying to me. You're trying to manipulate me. I am a lot of things, Harry, but I am not stupid."

He turned to leave without answering Harry's question about meeting again. Harry started running behind him, catching upto the blonde easily and looking him in the eye.

" fine! That wouldn't be ideal. It wouldn't even be nice, but I told you I want you around. I want to be in your life, even if just as a friend. Can't you believe that? And leave thoughts of the future for the future?" Harry asked desperately, willing Draco to just... Stop.

"I can't, Harry." and Harry felt guilty yet again, but he knew this was important. He knew if he didn't say the right thing now, if would be over, so he cast that's blasted spell again and was immediately conflicted and in pain.

"Why?" he asked the blonde, knowing his thoughts will respond honestly.

_Because the first time you rejected me in first year I cried myself to sleep._

_When you threw a snowball and laughed about it with your friends third year I was depressed for three day._

_Everytime we had a fight I blamed myself and stayed up the entire night thinking of ways to make it up to you._

_When you rejected me through your letter I tried to take my life again._

_If you reject me again I wouldn't be able to handle it even if I deserve it. It would destroy me even more._

_And I am sure you will. I am insufferable_.

Harry willed himself not to cry at what he was hearing. He needed to leave before he had a complete breakdown. Now more than ever, he didn't want Draco to go back to Jashua. But he couldn't force him to stay and he couldn't leave without being sure that he would see the blonde again. There was only one way to go about this, even if the thought of what he was about to say brought him closer to a meltdown.

"What if I promise to oblivate you of me completely? If things don't work out? Would that make it easier to be my friend?"

The blonde looked taken back by the suggestion. Harry knew why. The brunette would have never suggested such a thing if he couldn't hear Draco's thoughts.

_That would work_

"That would work." draco said with a faint smile. Harry exhaled in relief, but one more thing was knawing at his insides.

"but could you promise me not to believe a word Jashua says about me? The guy doesn't even know me and I am certain he is filling your head with all kinds of lies."

_I am not an invalid!_

_I know when I am being manipulated_

_Right?_

Harry could see Draco going through the memories of the last three days and cross-referencing them with everything he believed about Harry beforehand. The blonde seemed to deflate at the realization that he was, in fact, being manipulated by Jashua.

_How will you convince me that you're telling the truth?_

_Everytime you look at me with a smile I think you're laughing at me inside your head._

_Everytime you seem like you're having a good time with me, I think you are hiding disgust_

"I could take vertiserum." Harry quickly added, "When we are together. Just so you know I am being truthful, that I am not lying to you. Then, would you believe me?"

_You can easily fight it off like you fight off an imperio_

_You're powerful. I don't like powerful_

Harry was growing increasingly frustrated. Draco was always doubting him and it made him very angry at the blonde, even though he knew it wasn't Draco's fault. He prayed he'd be able to fight the potion enough not to let his negative emotions towards Draco's attitude show,

Knowing Draco would immediately ask to be obliviated if he senses for one second that he was, indeed, being a burden on Harry.

"Please, Draco?" Harry pleaded, not knowing what else to say to put Draco's worries to rest. They were true, after all. Draco was, in many ways, insufferable, but that was the disease, not his ex-lover and Harry had to remind himself of that before letting it show.

_He seems genuine enough._

_I am probably going to regret this_

"Alright. I suppose if you're that adamant and foolish to keep me in your life, I could agree. We could meet here in a week."

Harry nodded quickly, stopping himself from requesting they meet sooner. He was already getting more than he thought he would given Draco's current state. With a wide smile, Draco turned and left the alley. Harry immediately apparated back to Grimmauld place, put up the most powerful of all silencing spells and let out the loudest of high-pitched screams. His throat hurt and he knew he was crying, but he couldn't stop. He was exhausted and he knew it would only get worse before his Draco starts to get better. That's how Hermione found him when she dropped by hours later unannounced. Unable to get an answer out of him, she simply forced a dream less sleep potion down his throat and put him to bed.

When Harry woke up, hours later, he made a beeline for the books he purchased, determined to get any kind of answer that would put his worries to rest. It seemed simple at first. This was a disease. A disease has a source. A source could be treated. Then, Draco would be fine! He would. He would. More calm now, Harry started skimming the books and immediately found his answer, hope spreading through him and filling him with pure joy.

_'depression may be linked to an underlying physical health problem.'_

_'test your thyroid to make sure it's functioning properly....'_

**_That was it!_ **

**_My draco has a thyroid problem and it caused all of this nonsense._ **

**_That has to be it._ **

**_I was an idiot not to see it sooner. His eating habits are horrid._ **

**_I'll get him treatment for this and then he' ll immediately leave that Jashua and come home and he won't feel like a burden anymore and everything will be fine._ **

**_It's so simple, really._ **

Harry thought back to what Draco told him about the hospital, determined to get to Draco's records and find out if the stupid doctors gave him proper treatment. Well, of course they hadn't, or else he would've been fine.

_**St. Ambrose! That was the name of the hospital. Now, all Harry had to do was go there and...** _

Harry thoughts were cut off by the sound of the floo coming alive. He immediately went downstairs to check if Jashua somehow found out and had come to show Harry a piece of his mind. If that were the case, Harry wouldn't let the man leave his home in one piece.

It was Ron and he looked at Harry like one would at a puppy with three legs. Harry prayed he hadn't been looking at Draco the same way.

"Morning, mate." Ron said awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck "Hermione said you weren't looking too good last night. I thought she was exaggerating, but I can see she was downplaying it."

Harry instantly looked down at himself, not seeing anything alarming or out of order, he shot a confused look at Ron, who rolled his eyes and immediately conjured a mirror.

Harry gasped. He hadn't thought he looked that bad. His eyes were red-rimmed, his hair a mess and his skin ashen. He shamefully also realized he hadn't taken a shower or eaten properly since Draco showed up at the market asking for his help. He looked up to see Ron with that same look of concern on his face and realized he had also forgotten about work entirely.

_**What was wrong with him?** _

_**Was this depression thing contagious?** _

_**Was that why he had completely forgotten how to take care of himself all of a sudden?** _

Harry sighed, knowing Ron wouldn't leave without an explanation.

"sorry, mate." he said, "I got in touch with a muggle friend recently. I am sure you've noticed how distracted I've been. The truth is this friend of mine meant a lot to me. He and I were very close at some point and he has this thing called major depressive disorder apparently and it was hard seeing him suffer. I am certain everything will be-"

Harry cut himself off when he saw the look on Ron's face. He had grown shades paler and his eyes were wide and pitiful. He suddenly lunged at Harry, engulfing him in a tight hug.

" I am so sorry, mate." he whispered in Harry's ear. Alarm and dread suddenly assaulted Harry.

**_Why was he talking about it as though Draco was already dead?_ **

**_Draco was just sick._ **

**_Everyone gets sick and everyone gets better._ **

**_Well.. Not everyone, but what Draco has isn't that bad. Right?_ **

**_Right?!_ **

"What are you on about?" Harry asked Ron, panicked, and pulled away to look at his friend's face. Ron gave him a confused look.

"I've heard about that, Harry. It causes witches and wizards to just basically give up on everything. It was so scary to watch it happen. Bill had a friend and the family and I were trying to support him. It was useless. Everything we did was useless. There was a whole ward of them. People went in and out all the time. They even left some stuff behind like it was sodding inevitable that they will return. I guess it was. Eventually, their magic starts to die. That was the worst part. It's so easy for people like us to cast lumos or cleaning spells. These people didn't even feel a connection to their wands anymore. They would get suspended from work 'indefinetly', which also made things worse. People wouldn't want to be around them anymore, not really understanding what was happening. I can't say I blame them. I was starting to get afraid I would become depressed just by listening to Bill's friend. I think it was a nurse or something that left the door open one night by accident and he jumped off the room and landed on the fence. There was nothing anyone can do. I hate myself for saying this, but it was for the best. He was miserable and everyone had abandoned him. It was like watching pieces of his life crumple until nothing was left. It was horrible. The nurses told Bill that, that Bill shouldn't be sad because all the patients eventually die, too, especially after they lose their magic. That's why everyone was so bloody careful around George after we lost Fred. We couldn't risk it. One slip and he could be gone just like that. I wasn't prepared to lose another brother, especially to that horrible disease."

For the first time in his life, Harry thanked every God and everything on the planet that the court had stripped Draco of his magic. He couldn't even imagine what it would be like to see his magic go. Frightening, no doubt. And not knowing when or if it would return...Ron's story and sentiments made a lot of sense, but, thankfully, Draco wasn't like that."

Harry forced a smile and put a hand on his friend's shoulder.

"I am sorry you went through that, Ron, but my friend is a muggle. It isn't the same for him. In fact, I am fairly certain it is just a physical thing that turned into this. If that damned hospital would've been more organized I am sure he wouldn't have stayed like this very long, but I am going to fix it."

Ron tilted his head to one side and spoke slowly.

"Harry, if he's already been to a hospital, they would've detected anything physical. This is the disease, man. If they say it, it's because they have exhausted all other options. I don't think any healer or muggle doctor in the world wants to tell their patient this kind of news. It's like 'we don't know what caused it, we sometimes know how to treat it. All treatments need a tremendous amount of effort and patience which you clearly do not have, and you will very likely get worse before you get better. But, hey, at least you know what's wrong with you, now, even if no one else in the world will understand it.' it's horrible, mate."

"N-no. That can't be true.

There has to be something they missed, Ron. I am fairly certain. Even if there isn't, perhaps muggle depression is-"

" Suicide rate is a little over 20%. It's a leading cate of death, mate. One person every 40 seconds."

Harry gaped at him, not having anything else to say. Those numbers sounded scary, but his Draco was different. He had to be!

"I am not trying to bum you out, Harry, but that ward and those people were just... I don't want you to get too attached. Bill was crushed. I don't want anything bad happening to you. You've seen enough death as it is."

Harry shook his head. That wouldn't happen. He would make sure of it.

"I-I can't accept that. Of course, I am attached. He was my childhood best friend!"

"Perhaps the disease is making it seem worse, mate. You're a kind person. It kills you to see him suffer so you make him out to be an important person when he wasn't. Else Hermione and I would've at least heard about him. Don't you think?"

Harry looked deep into his friend's eyes. There was no understanding of what his words were doing to Harry. This must be how Draco felt all the time around everyone. It was horrible.

"It's not like that, Ron. There was a reason I didn't tell you about him. But I will. As soon as he's better, I'll tell you all of it. I'll introduce you. You'd love him if you get to know him. I am sure you would. You will."

"of course, mate."

Ron was talking down at him. He wasn't convinced Draco would get better. That didn't matter. What does Ron know anyway? What does anyone know? Even if specialists haven't made progress, Harry would. No one would be as determined as he was at the moment. Perhaps the matter was a bit more urgent than Harry thought, but he would make time. He would do his best.

Harry sighed, pretending to give in. Pretending was easier and he just wanted Ron to go away.

"Could you cover for me, today? I hate to ask but all of this information-" he started, but Ron was already nodding with that same sad smile. Moments and many hugs later, he was gone and Harry apparated directly into the alley behind the hospital.

**_This is where my Draco went after he got away from me._ **

**_This is where he planned to die?_ **

**_This alley is dark and disgusting. It's barely noticeable._ **

**_He would've rotted here for days without anyone noticing._ **

**_Nobody would've been looking for Draco. Even Harry wouldn't have found him._ **

Fighting off tears, Harry threw on his invisibility cloak and went into the emergency room, then followed a nurse with a file, until he finally found it and was immediately overwhelmed. The filling room was a complete mess and he too afraid to use magic least someone walk in and see things floating around. He was sorely tempted though. It took Harry hours to find Draco's name, but it was worth it. He was finally going to see what was wrong with Draco and how he could help him. That was invaluable. His hope diminished as he read through the case. Apparently, Draco had spent months in the ward to no avail and the nurses noted he was worse when he left.

_'Blood work was clean..'_

_'Thyroid tested positive..'_

_'substances were neither a problem nor a cause for the patient's condition...'_

_'Patient was unresponsive to any and all medinical treatments. Medication only resulted in physical side effects which further intensified the patient's suicidal thoughts.'_

_'Patient ademantly refused to cooperate in group and individual therapy.'_

_'patient was especially tense and distraught when asked to speak of his family life. Though, he had many untreated bruises on his body leading us to believe abuse was an underlying issue.'_

Harry couldn't believe it. The stupid doctors had actually made his Draco worse. That didn't even seem possible! Harry couldn't stop himself. He had to see what it was like, what they put Draco through. He snuck into the ward that was listed as Draco's. Ron's description seemed almost positive compared to what he saw.

Zombies was a better description than patients when it came to the people being 'treated' inside the ward. You'd almost think it was a prison with the bars on every window and the guards at the exit. Every single spot of the ward was under surveillance and there were no gardens like the movies represented. The place was entirely closed off, the people inside doomed to become even more depressed. Harry heard a patient begging to use the phones with the nurse refusing and others were jittery and unstable from withdrawals. That was nothing compared to the showers and toilets that didn't have doors with nurses watching over the patients who used them.

The worst were the isolation rooms. Harry saw a patient screaming as the doctors dragged her through the hallway telling her to calm down and then locked her inside while she banged on the door to be let out. The room had no windows. It was a prison, Harry decided. A new patient complained about her dog, and how nobody would feed him while she was there. She was crying and begging the nurses to let her call someone, anyone, so the dog, scruffie, wouldn't die while she was in the ward. The nurses ademantly refused. Harry's heart broke. He listened in while she told them her address, determined to help that poor creature. As he made his way to the door, he saw another horrible sight: the nurses holding a screeching patient down, strapping him to the bed and forcibly injecting him with something that made him sleep. They then proceeded to undress him and made notes of his self-harm scars, then dressed him once more in plain, uncomfortable patient clothing, and left the room, locking the door behind them. Harry bolted from the ward, not being able to stay there for a second longer.

He stopped at the lady's address and found that the dog, a Labrador, indeed, was starving. He was clawing st the door and didn't even bother to bark when seeing a stranger enter. He merely walked to his plate and moved it around with his foot. Harry scrambled to find his food and when he did, emptied the entire content into the plate, even though he knew it was unhealthy to give the dogs more than they would normally eat. He didn't care. This dog deserved more than what was done to him and his owner. Just like draco did.

After the dog was finished he lunged at Harry. For a second, the brunette was afraid scruffie would attack him, but the dog simply pinned Harry to the floor and started to lick his face. Harry had planned to come by to feed the dog daily, but upon playing with him and petting this lovely creature, Harry didn't have the heart to leave him, so he left a note with his muggle phone number, saying he was a friend of someone who was in the ward and had overheard her while visiting. With a twist, he apparated with the dog to his home and unleashed him to check out the house.

Harry sighed, leaned against the wall, then sunk down to the ground and pulled his knees up to his chest. At that time, he felt a pang at the back of his head, telling him Draco had been hurt, but not badly hurt, not enough to die. As much as he wanted to, he couldn't stomp over and take the blonde back. He was again without hope and didn't have any sense of direction in regards to what to do.

_**Oh, Draco, what have they done to you?** _


	17. Why?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dont own any of the characters. Rowling does. Enjoy!

When Draco first saw Harry in that market, he only knew one thing: he didn’t want Harry to disappear again. He was determined to show up to that first meeting at the market because seeing Harry again had reminded Draco of the amazing feelings he had once had for the brunette. Harry had told him that being in love was similar to being under the influence of muggle drugs, and Draco couldn’t say he disagreed. He remembered loving every second he spent with Harry, savoring his laughs, looking forward to seeing him, being comforted by him, making love to him, and falling asleep in his arms. Compared to his life now, what Draco had with Harry had been paradise, truly, and utterly perfect. So, Draco held out some kind of false hope that Harry would finally bring him out of this..nothingness and, of course, the blonde was sorely disappointed. 

Once he had calmed down after the potion incident, he looked at Harry, really looked at him and waited for the feelings to make themselves known, but all he felt was discomfort and emptiness. He wanted to love Harry, but the brunette felt like any other person to him, which made him act even more depressed during their weekend together. Harry, surprisingly, didn’t mind as much as Draco thought he would and actually wanted to see him again. He was insane. The blonde felt awful. He knew Harry had some kind of feelings for him, lingering on from their past time together. He also knew Harry wanted him to feel the same way, but Draco simply couldn’t. No matter how hard he forced himself to focus on the best qualities of the man, all the ones that made Draco love him in the first place, the blonde just continued to feel nothing towards Harry and Draco didn’t have the heart to tell him that. So, he continued to wait for his feelings to resurface, losing a little more hope every time Harry smiled and Draco felt nothing. 

_ What if Harry notices?  _

_ What if he decides he is done waiting for me to get better or for me to be tolerable or for me to love him, and leaves me?  _

_ What if he decides this friendship thing isn’t working?  _

_ What if he realizes that I am not even a good friend, let alone lover?  _

_ Eventually, all that will happen and he will leave me again. I am sure of it, so maybe it is a good thing I don’t feel anything for him?  _

_Will it still hurt when he leaves if I feel nothing for him now?_

Draco didn’t want Harry to leave him for some reason. He didn’t want everything to go back to normal. He didn’t love Harry, but he wanted to keep him, either way. Harry treated him like a person. Harry was kind. Harry comforted Draco, even if Draco insisted he didn’t deserve it. Harry was offering everything he had to make Draco comfortable and pumping himself full of veritaserum just to prove to the blonde that he wasn’t a burden. Instead of telling him to be normal again, Harry was helping Draco yet letting him have his space at the same time. Draco loved it. Draco hated it. 

So, feelings-wise, nothing had changed for Draco by the end of the three days, which didn’t really explain why life with Jashua, suddenly, wasn't the same. For some reason, Draco wasn't as inclined to please his boyfriend as he was before. The blows he got were more painful. The treatment he got wasn't well-received. When he looked inside himself for the appreciation he had always felt for the larger man, he only came up with resentment. It all just seemed so... Wrong. He now knew not to trust anything Jashua had to say, but that, itself, was a problem. Were all of Jashua's words a lie?

_ What about when he said I was a good-for-nothing death eater? He was right, wasn't he? I am a death eater. I am not good for anything. He was right... Maybe. _

_ What about when he says he loves me? Could I be a burden even with the man who treated me like absolute crap? Was that the reason he treated me this way? _

_ Then, why doesn't he ask me to leave? Was he trying to save me, too? Is that why he hates it when I am depressed and emotional? It's all too confusing! _

_ Does he think that making me feel as though I am a piece of shit is somehow helping me? _

_ What about the potion, did he even care what I had to say about having a kid? No. He didn't and the reason was simple. _

_ He doesn't love me. He is making me worse. He is making me hate myself even more. He is isolating me from everyone... Well, from Harry. But why? Why would he keep me here if he hates me? I have nowhere to go, so my reason for staying is obvious. What's his? _

_One thing is obvious, though.. I am a burden on him, too._

The thoughts ran through Draco's mind constantly throughout the week before he met Harry again. It was the fifth day, though, that changed everything.

He hadn't meant to snoop or look where he wasn't supposed to, but his thoughts were driving him crazy and he needed a distraction, so he set about cleaning the entire house, inch for inch, and even ventured upon the attic he had never entered before. It made sense that Jashua hid things there since he was well aware of Draco's fear of cobwebs and dark places.. Courtesy of his imprisonments by the dark lord on occasion.

He didn't even know he was looking through the boxes in curiosity until he came upon the one with the letters crumpled and scattered through. As soon as he opened the first one, he recognized the hand-writing and knew Harry had been telling the truth: he hadn't sent Draco any hurtful letters. Jashua had written them to further destroy Draco. Why? Why would he do that? Just... WHY??

Draco knew Jashua would be home for hours to he started to read through them, there were about 14 of them, each dated on the first of every month, the day which was designated as 'their day' in Hogwarts. Harry wouldn't bring up Ron or Hermione on that day and Draco wouldn't bring up his home life. They would just... Be. With a deep breath, he started to read.

* * *

_ Draco, _

_ I don't even know why I am writing this. It will probably come back unopened like all the others. I don't know whether you're sending them back or the owl can't find you or... _

_ No. I won't let myself think like that. No news is good news, right? Or was it no news is bad news? Gods, why can't you just come home? I miss you soo much! It was Halloween last night and I spent it alone again. I know. I know. It's been years, but still. You were everything to me, Draco. You were my best friend and my lover and you made me feel better just by being there. I remember you always thought that you were too emotional and that I had to comfort you a lot. I couldn't believe my ears. I had felt the same way about you. I wished you wouldn't have to see me in my cupboard or depressed about my parents' death or reeling from Ron's abandonment and such. But, now that you're gone, everything bad is ten times worse and everything good is just... Gone. _

_ I am not being dramatic. I know I sound like a bloody school girl with a crush, but you are so important to me. I wish I knew you were alright at least. If you don't want to come back to me for any reason, then ay least reply and I'll stop sending you these. It doesn't matter what I send here, anyway, does it? You'll never read these. Gods, please don't be dead! _

_ Love, _

_ Harry. _

* * *

_ Draco, _

_ I got your reply... I know I said I wouldn't bother you again if you let me know you're alright, but... I don't know, okay? I can't stop. I've tried. I've sent you weekly letters so far, now it's been a month since my last one. That counts for something, doesn't it? Oh God, does that mean I am going to keep sending these until you block my owl or something? Please, Draco. Tell me what I did. I don't understand! I.. I thought we were in love. I still love you. It's only been a year and some months. _

_ Yeah.. Alright I know how that sounds but we were together for three, so how could a year make you forget how good we were together? I am assuming things now, but I can't help it. I am sad and you're not talking to me. I cried over your reply like a bloody infant. I was going to write you back right away. I tried to keep my promise, but something isn't right. I know you loved me. Right? _

_ Heartbroken, _

_ Harry _

* * *

_ Draco, _

_ It's the first again, so I am bothering you with another letter. I am surprised you haven't stalked over here furious about the last one yet. I kind of hoped you would, to be honest. At least, then, I would get to see you and you could tell me to my face to piss off. But that wouldn't make it better, either. Nothing could make this better. I know you probably don't get it, based on how you don't want to see me, but I kind of pictured you as this constant in my life, even after we had broken up. Every summer I would sit in my cupboard, cold and frightened, but it would be alright because, no matter what, you'd be there when I came back. And after Ron yelled at me in fourth year, I didn't let myself be that upset because you would be there. When voldemort returned I knew you would calm me down and you did. I was so afraid you would hate me when I told you I saw your father but you didn't and you were still there. Now... There are no constants. At least, not in the way you were and I feel like I am going crazy. How was it so bloody easy for you to walk away and I am such a mess? How do you have the heart to reply to me with those horrible words, Draco? I never thought you would hurt me... _

_ Hurt, _

_ Harry _

* * *

_ Draco, _

_ I finished Auror training. There. I said something that doesn't have to do with you and me. I have something other than us, now, but I still cry every time the owl comes back with these three words. I still think you might change your mind or find it in your heart to see me again. Did I mean nothing to you? _

_ \- nothing, apparently. _

* * *

_ Draco, _

_ I am very sorry about the Last letter. I wrote it on a bad day. I mean, you remember how we used to joke about the future and you would always say that we would celebrate when I finally finished training? But that you wouldn't drink because you'd be pregnant? I always used to make fun of you for wanting to start a family so young but you always said you needed time to work on 'the potter litter'. I thought it was cute and adorable and hilarious and that day I came back I was so upset when I remembered it. It's funny how time can turn our most wonderful memories into dark and sad ones. Nonetheless, my last letter was kind of harsh. I started to think that I was being too cruel. Maybe you're going through something and I am not being understanding enough? Well, I am now, so I beg you, agree to meet me. I will listen like always and I will keep listening. Forget about all the other letters. I am not mad at you! Honest. I was just mad at myself for letting you walk away that day. It was my fault, not yours.  _

_ Draco, do you think I don't like you anymore? Is that what you think? I know we never talked about the war, but I forgive you for everything without a second doubt. I know you. You're a good person. Whatever it was that you did and whatever your intentions were, I am sure you are a good person. Are you doing that thing you always do when you push me away because you think you've hurt me too much or that I deserve something better or something? That's bullshit, Draco! It was bullshit, then and it's bullshit now. Complete dragon dung. Don't let those thoughts get to you. Please. Write me back something. Anything. Other than those three words. Having the reply be empty would be better at this point.... _

_**love** , _

_ Harry _

* * *

_ Draco, _

_ Alright. That last one did sting, I'll admit. But, I am still not mad at you. I just want to make sure that you know that. I know you hate it and start hating yourself when someone's mad at you, especially me, but I am not. In fact, I have a hunch you aren't even reading these. I'll keep writing them anyways until you decide you're ready to do so. I just hope you're alright at this point. I don't have to see you, but just having you be out there and alright is enough for now. Hermione and Ron are getting married. Just thought I'd throw in some good news. I am the best man, too. I wish you were here so I could take you. It's not fair what the court did to you. It's not. You *didn't* deserve that Draco. I hope you know that. _

_ Love, _

_ Harry _

* * *

_ Draco, _

_ Alright. So, I am actually starting to get concerned. I've started to search. I didn't tell you at the beginning because I was afraid you'd up and move to avoid me, but now I figure that's ridiculous. Right? Right? I mean, at least I hope it is ridiculous and I am not coming off as a stalker, but how could I come off as a stalker with you? I used to do creepier things than this at Hogwarts and you still wanted me. Not that I want you to want me. I mean, I do, but it's alright not to. Merlin, id take anything. Anything! Just seeing you alive and well for just a split-second would be enough then I can start working on not sending you these letters when you've explicitly asked me to stop multiple times. _

_ Love, _

_ Harry _

* * *

_ Whoever this is, _

_ Alright. Eighth letter. I've noticed something off with the replies. They all are written in regular handwriting. My Draco ALWAYS writes in cursive. Who are you?! What have you done with him?! Do you want money? I have money. I have a lot of it. I'll give you anything you need. I knew Draco wouldn't abandon me. Ever. Why are you hiding him from me? Please. Oh, gods. Please. Don't hurt him! He's very fragile even if he seems arrogant and annoying on the outside. That's all for show. He doesn't mean it, please don't do anything to him. I won't tell anyone you took him. Just give him back to me. I'll let you disappear into the night, I vow it. _

_ \- Harry potter _

_ A.K.A the boy who lived _

_ A.K.A the chosen one _

_ A.K.A vanquisher of voldemort. _

_ A.K.A if you touch one hair on my Draco's head, you'll pay for it! _

* * *

_ Draco, _

_ I have a confession. I might have been a bit drunk while writing that last letter. Gods, I must've sounded like an idiot. I briefly remember accusing you of being someone else and hiding you from me. Does it make me a terrible person for wishing that was the case? It would be better than knowing you really want nothing to do with me... Not that I blame you! Of course, you have a right to your space, which I guess I have crossed into multiple times since you left. Yeah, err... Sorry about that. _

_ Love (or not whatever you want), _

_ Harry _

* * *

_ Draco, _

_ Do you think about me at all? Do you remember me, even? I am starting to think something has happened and that's why I can't find you and you can't reach me (even if I am not drunk, there's something up with those letters). I want to ask you a personal question about me just to verify that you're reading this or that you're you, but I realize it doesn't matter. I have no way of finding you. I better get used to the fact that I might never see you again, even if it feels like my heart is breaking. Still not mad at you. Still not blaming you. Just casually sharing my feelings to someone who doesn't want to know them. That's normal, right? _

_ \- Harry _

* * *

_ Draco, _

_ Ron and Hermione got married a few days ago. It was amazing, to be honest. I couldn't help myself. I cried like a baby. They both hugged me and took pictures with me. I am so lucky to have them both. I often wonder if you have anyone? I hope you do. Not a boyfriend! No, I am way too selfish to hope that, but just...anyone. I am hoping that you are sharing my letters and laughing with them over me at this point. It wouldn't matter to me as long as you have someone. _

_ \- you know who it is. _

* * *

_ Draco, _

_ Halloween again. No treacle tart. Again. I remember we broke up in sixth year before this day, yet a treacle tar arrived at my bed anyways. You didn't acknowledge me when I tried to thank you for it. What was up with that? I had let myself hope it was a peace offering, that you wanted to get back together. I guess I am a fool that way, but it wasn't just me, right? Something was off about the way we left things. Was it really just about Voldemort? Did he really take you away too, like he did everyone else? Because if it was, I outta go back in time and kill him again. I miss you. I know I shouldn't, but I do. Think you can add a period at the end if your reply this time so I know you're reading this? Thanks. _

_ \- Harry _

* * *

_ Draco, _

_ I've now started to hang around random muggle areas just in case you walk by. I take back my previous statement. I am, in fact, 100% a stalker and you have the right to press charges. Is that it? Are you not in the muggle world? Are you in the Wizarding World? Is that why you're asking me to leave you alone? You don't want Aurors around? Then, why don't you come over here? You know where I am. The black manor. Grimmauld Place. I left the wards open for you. They've been open since the war for you. During, even. I was hoping... Well, it doesn't matter now. Please come see me. _

_ \- Harry _

* * *

_Draco,_

_You complete, absolute arse! I should've know you'd stand me up. Answer me this time. What the hell did I do to make you hate me so much? Why were you acting so weird around me? This is ridiculous. I knew I should've demanded we talk right there, but you're just... Insufferable. I hate you! There. I said it. I don't feel guilty. How could you do this to me? I thought I knew the real you. Maybe you were just manipulating me. You ruined me for everyone, you know that? I haven't even touched another man since you and its been three bloody years. FUCK OFF. I am not sending you any more letters. It's clear I was wrong not to leave you alone like you asked me to a dozen times. My mistake. I am just fucking stupid, like always, believing you._

_\- Harry_

* * *

Draco took two deep breaths and let them out. He put away all the letters and left the attic altogether. He had to keep them safe and make sure Jashua didn't throw them away. He didn't even know what to make of the letters' contents. Harry's emotions were all over the place, but that last one... That last one...

Draco burst into tears and continued to clean the house, wishing, for the first time in years, that he had any kind of means to leave Jashua once and for all. 


	18. Happy?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't own the characters. Rowling does. Enjoy!

Harry arrived late to the alley. He had been spending the entire weekend bent over the books trying to figure out what to do with the situation. According to the hospital records, all treatment options listed in the book didn't work with Draco at all. Harry thought it made sense that therapy wouldn't work. If draco had started speaking about the Wizarding world they would've kept him there forever. Harry's eyes darkened at the thought. That place was horrid. Harry imagined spending one more minute in that place would've made him go mad. They had kept hid Draco there for months while Harry was crying over the unanswered letters thinking draco hated him.

Harry hated himself. He shouldn't have wasted all that time. He should've been looking for Draco. He should've shoved away the reporters faster. He should've known something was wrong when he got those replies. He should've... It didn't really matter now.what mattered is that draco was alive and Harry needed to keep him that way. He couldn't get Draco to see a mind healer. Even if the blonde agreed, which Harry knew he wouldn't, Draco still wasn't allowed in the Wizarding world. The thought made Harry's insides turn. The Wizarding world had done this to his Draco. And everyone was so happy about it. Harry wonders how they would see it if their lovers had had the same fate.

Harry went through the list of things the books recommended he do to help draco.

**_Help him avoid isolation_ **

**_Buy him a Journal_ **

**_Listen_ **

**_Help with simple tasks_ **

**_Extend invitations_ **

**_Let him know he is cared about_ **

Harry had so far done everything on the list but the second and he didn't think it would be a good idea, considering the blonde shared a house with that horrid man. None of the things seemed to help so far. The seventh one, which he refused to even acknowledge, asked Harry to be patient, but how could he be patient when he was watching his Draco slip through the cracks of life? How was that even possible. No. The books were useless. The doctors were useless. Even Ron was making everything worse, walking on eggshells around Harry at work as if he would break at any moment. The brunette had even taken several separate cases to avoid his best friend. This was up to Harry and Harry alone and he would help Draco if it's the last thing he did.

He arrived at the location to find that Draco was nowhere in sight. Suddenly, the reality of being late hit him. He had no way of contacting the blonde and Draco was already hesitant about the friendship and wouldn't want to meet him again if he thought Harry didn't want to see him. What if Draco had arrived hopeful and left devastated after seeing that Harry hadn't shown? Would he lose Draco because he was ten minutes late? He was snapped out of his thoughts by the sounds of quiet sobbing and looked immediately to his left to see Draco laying across the ground next to the dumpster sobbing his eyes out, his arms covered in blood. His heart sank and he remembered the story behind the blonde's first suicide attempt.

"Oh God, Draco!" he screamed and lunged at the blonde, pulling him up to his feet, "What did you do?"

Draco covered back at the wall, frightened, before he saw that it was Harry and became calmer. Suddenly, Harry was being engulfed in an extremely tight hug by the blonde, who kept whispering apologies in Harry's ear.

Harry's eyes shot at the floor, where many broken bottles lay, the ones that, presumably, caused Draco's injuries.

"Is it alright if I take you home?" Harry asked shakily, then immediately did so when he felt the blonde nod against his shoulder.

After a quick shower, during which Draco, thankfully, left the door unlocked, Harry moved them back into the sitting room, where Kreacher had left them both plates under heating charms as instructed.

Harry looked up at Draco, prepared to ask him to eat, when he noticed the blonde was still crying.

"What's wrong?" Harry asked him, praying he would give an honest answer. He eyed the vial of vertiserum that he hadn't taken yet and, for the first time, wished their situations were reversed. Apparently, he didn't need it though, because Draco started talking instantly.

"I-I am s-such a h-horrible friend. I-I am-so sorry I didn't come w-when I p-promised you I would."

_**Harry's heart sank lower in his stomach.** _

_**Did Draco think I was giving him a taste of his own medicine tonight?** _

_**Did he think I would promise him to show up then bail just to get back at him?** _

Harry was just about to answer when Draco continued to speak.

"I-I was g-going to come. H-honest. I was actually g-glad you asked me to m-meet you. I thought y-you hated m-me. W-when I saw you, I th-thought y-you would s-spit in my f-face, not b-be f-friendly. I-I was h-hurt and I s-still tried to go, but then t-the potion and I-I couldn't w-walk. I f-felt horrible about it. I th-thought I w-would never s-see you again, then y-you sent another l-letter m-making fun of me for actually b-believing y-you wanted to see me... "

Harry saw red.

" I would NEVER send something like that!" he shouted and Draco flinched, then shook his head and began to sob harder.

"I-I know, I-I am s-so stupid. M'SORRY."

Draco was screeching by the end of it and Harry instantly moved to comfort Draco with a hug, when Scruffie suddenly jumped on Draco, frightening the sobbing boy. He yelped and Scruffie just shook his tail and began licking away his tears. Harry was afraid of Draco's reaction, given the past presence of werewolves in his home at full moons and the scars he saw on Draco's body that resembled a wolf's scratches. But, to his surprise, Draco started to giggle and began to pet Scruffie as soon as the dog laid down between them on the couch. Harry had meant to teach him to stop doing that, but the dog was just so damn cute and his puppy eyes didn't help Harry say no.

"And what's your name, little guy?" Draco asked Scruffie in the most adorable of voices, continuing his assault on the puppy's belly as Scruffie wagged his tail.

"Scruffie." Harry answered, still in awe of the situation, and not wanting to say anything to upset Draco who was finally, finally, smiling, "his owner is on a long vacation and asked for someone to look after him."

There. He hadn't lied exactly and had achieved his desired effects. Draco beamed at the dog and had that look on his face that he used to have whenever coming across one of Hagrid's creatures. Though he used to deny it, Harry knew Draco loved any and all creatures that weren't human and Harry couldn't say he blamed him. Harry, himself, wasn't a big fan of humans, muggle or magical, at the moment.

"I didn't know you were such a dog person." Harry teased, intending for a light-hearted conversation. He failed miserably.

"Yeah.. When I was on the streets, I would help the strays look for food in dumpsters and such, even named some of them. They used to hug me at night and keep me warm. I guess it gave me some sense of purpose for a while. Until some woman, who claimed her kids were attacked by them, put poison in the dumpsters. They all died that night. It wasn't even their fault! I-I am sure of it! I saw those kids! They always threw stones at the dogs, what did they expect would happen? Even then, the dogs didn't do anything. They just ran towards the kids then stopped and turned back. I saw it with my own eyes! When I confronted her she said I was a crazy homeless guy. That's when I-when I... "

Draco looked like he was about to burst into tears, so Harry did the only thing he could think of. He grabbed a handful of mashed potatoes and threw it at his face. Scruffie immediately jumped up and began licking it off the blonde, who looked furious at Harry, yet entertained by Scruffie's happiness.

"Potter, you absolute imbecile!" Draco yelled, but his tone gave him away. He was suppressing a laugh. Then, Harry found himself buried in meat sauce with Scruffie rushing to lick it off. They continued the assault with the Entertained puppy running between them, wagging his tail, as they both laughed. By the time both the plates were empty and Scruffie was stuffed, Harry's stomach growled and he smiled up at Draco, expecting him to say yes immediately.

"Shall I call Kreacher in for seconds?" he asked, cheerfully. The smile went off his face when he saw Draco looking at him, mortified, then trying to eye the vertiserum subtly. Harry immediately grabbed the vial and uncorked it, only to be stopped by Draco's hands.

"Y-you don't have to, Harry." the blonde informed him, but Harry didn't think twice before gulping the contents down.

"I made a promise and I won't back down on it." he said firmly, trying to convey how important it was for him that Draco trust him. Draco looked away, seemingly.. Ashamed?

"Is everything alright?" Harry asked him, starting to get worried. Draco's left hand continued to pet Scruffie as he sighed and murmured "I found your letters."

Harry smiled widely, thinking Draco had read his loving letters and was about to break up with that arse Jashua, who kept them from Draco. But when Draco looked up, he had tears in his eyes.

"Y-you sounded so alone, all the time, wanting me to come home."

_**Fuck!** _

"Draco. I wasn't-"

"You were speaking as though the world stopped when I left. Like you just couldn't move forward even though everyone else could."

"yeah, but-"

"You needed me, and I left you. And all this time you wanted me back and I-I thought you hated me. And then you thought I hated you. I didn't mean for you to think that. I could never hate you, Harry. I am so stupid."

"You're not, Draco. You're-"

"I should've known something was wrong. I had hoped something was wrong when I read your fake letters. But Jashua was so convincing... I don't... Why would he do that, Harry? Why would he do that to me?"

"I-I"

"they all sounded so.. Un-like you. They all sounded like that last letter." Draco whispered the last sentence and Harry's heart felt like it was beating out of his chest.

_**No!** _

_**Not the last letter!** _

"I-I was upset. I didn't-"

"Y-you said you h-hated me. That I r-ruined you. Y-you c-called me insuf-insufferable." with that, Draco burst into tears. Harry moved to comfort him, but Draco pulled away and held onto Scruffie for dear life.

"I-I w-wanted t-to s-see you, Harry. I-I swear it. Y-you have to b-believe me. Th-the p-prophet ph-photos of y-you. E-everyone th-thought y-you were h-happy, but I-I knew you w-were sad. Then, y-you were f-finally h-happy w-when y-you saw m-me for s-some r-reason and I-I thought m-maybe I was w-wrong, th-that y-you s-still c-cared a-about m-me even though I-I w-was w-worthless. B-but he-he was upset that you were there and he slipped me ver-vertiserum and I-I couldn't n-not t-tell him! I tried s-so hard, but I-I am W-weak and I-I c-couldn't and th-then he g-gave me th-the other p-potions and then h-he.. He.. I-I c-couldn't w-walk, b-but I-I w-would've c-crawled t-there, Harry. A-anything to s-see you h-happy again. I-I th-thought w-would N-never s-see y-you again a-at all and I h-had to get to y-you bef-before you left f-forever, b-but th-then your l-letter c-came and I-I should've known it wasn't from y-you. I should've, but I w-was exhausted and s-so s-sad t-that y-you ch-changed your mind s-so I started t-to cry. H-he hates I-it when I c-cry so h-he beat m-me up and l-locked the doors and l-left me w-with my l-legs broken. I-it w-was l-like m-my soul b-broke t-too. I s-still w-would've f-found a w-way to c-come I-if I h-had k-known y-you still w-wanted me to."

Draco buried his face in his hands and sobbed violently, but kept Scruffie in his lap. It was a good thing he couldn't see Harry because Harry thought he would've looked like a ghost. He couldn't think. He couldn't move to comfort the blonde. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't do anything but replay Draco's words in his ear. Jashua had seen him. Had drugged Draco repeatedly. Had raped and impregnated him. Had beaten him up. Had broken his legs. Had read him hateful words from the only person Draco had left in the world. Then, he had locked him up for five weeks. And it was ALL HARRY'S FAULT! Draco had asked him to leave multiple times. The blonde was terrified. He was fucking shaking! But no! Harry had to stay and yell and catch the attention of the whole goddamn supermarket. What if Draco had died that day? What if he had tried to kill himself again and was successful? Was if Harry had never gotten this amazing chance to see him again? His Draco would've died broken, pregnant from a man he despised, alone, depressed, and thinking Harry loathed him.

Suddenly, Harry couldn't breathe, either. He was vaguely aware of Draco suddenly looking up and seeming horrified for a second before the blonde became a complete blur. He was asking Harry something. Something important. Something Harry should answer immediately, but Harry couldn't comprehend the question, let alone answer it. He had had these attacks before. What had Hermione told him to do? Hold his breathe? That seems right...

He awakened sometime later to find himself embraced by the blonde, who was murmuring "Please no. Please no. Please no."

"Draco?" he whispered into the blonde's shoulder, who suddenly jerked and pulled Harry away to look at his face, then pulled him in for a kiss, that had Harry gasping. Draco stopped then pulled Harry to his chest again.

"Thank God." he whispered, "I thought I killed you."

"With that kiss you did, yeah." Harry murmured unable to stop the room from spinning. He was so tired.

"Stop it, you prat! I am serious" Draco yelled, but was laughing, "one second you were fine... Then you just fell over. What was I supposed to think?"

"Killed by an angel" Harry continued to whisper, unable to stop the words from leaving his lips. Draco's overreaction, his embrace, the kiss, everything about the situation was so... Like Draco. Like his old Draco. "My Draco, my angel, back to me, finally. I missed you."

Draco blushed furiously and Harry thought, if he died right then and there, he would've been a happy man. He was too out of it to notice the frown and guilt on the Blonde's face.

"I am so sorry. I shouldn't have told you any of that. I didn't know you would react like this."

_**Oh, God.** _

_**More apologizing.** _

_**Nice going, Harry.** _

_**He probably won't tell you anything again ever** _

"I didn't mean it. You have to know that, Draco. I don't hate you and I didn't back then, not really. You haven't ruined me. I am just.. Yours. You're not insufferable. I only suffer when I am away from you." Harry whispered and Draco eyed him for a second before setting him back down on the other end of the couch where he was immediately assaulted by Scruffie, sniffing him, making sure he was alright.

" Thank you for saying that." the blonde told him, smiling. "Anyways we need to get some food for you Pronto. And I won't take no for an answer. Kreacher!"

The elf popped into the room, eyed Scruffie with distaste, then listened intently as Draco listed all of Harry's favorite dishes, and vanished, only to come back with all of them and set them in front of the two men and Scruffie, who panted harshly at the smell of the food.

Harry couldn't help but smile as Draco proceeded to feed him. Actually feed him! Like he used to do after Harry came back from yet another summer with the Dursleys. Only this time, it was forced and demanding, it was soothing and gentle. He couldn't help but notice that the blonde hadn't touched his own plate and frowned deeply. Draco followed his gaze then threw Harry's fork down with a huff.

"Fine" he said loudly, then took a large bite of his sandwich and a sip of his pumpkin juice, "Happy?"

Harry smiled at the blonde and said "Perfect".


	19. He knows and he's going to kill you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't own any of the characters. Rowling does. Enjoy!

It was just like the old days, but somehow even better, even if Draco felt a bit worthless at times, Harry was so quick to list the ways he helped the brunette and, before him, others. He had went so far as to remind him of the good deeds he had done during the war. Draco trusted Harry and wasn't afraid to be betrayed. But then, the inevitable happened. Draco came back from his sixth meeting with Harry to find Jashua waiting for him in the dark siting room. Draco jumped when he heard the man get up and didn't have time to prepare before Jashua invaded his memories.

Suddenly, every single moment Draco had with Harry since running into him at the market played Through Draco's head, and, the blonde was sure, Jashua's as well. As soon as the memories stopped, Draco braced himself for the kick, for the punch, for what he thought would be his absolute death. After a few seconds passed with no hits, he looked up to find Jashua staring at him, gaping. Only then did it occur to him that Harry had been casting the same blockage spells on him for weeks without Draco having to even ask. He had Draco's fears at the back of his mind this entire time, even when Draco, himself, had forgotten.

Suddenly, Draco's eyes snapped open on the realization of what was happening. He was developing feelings for Harry. It was both a blessing, because now he could at least feel for Harry what Harry wants him to feel, and a curse, because Harry will eventually realize Draco is worthless and will throw him away. Then, Draco would be heartbroken. 

He didn't have time to dwindle on the thoughts, though, because Jashua immediately jumped on him, tackling him to the floor on his stomach and whispering in his ear. 

"I knew you were a Moron, Draco, but I didn't think you were this dumb." 

Draco couldn't get his mouth to form words, to deny, deny, deny. All he could do was Lau there and tremble as his mind screamed at him. 

_HE KNOWS._

_HE IS GOING TO KILL YOU_

_AND HARRY WILL BE DEVASTED_

_DO SOMETHING YOU IDIOT DEATH EATER!!!_

" w-what are you talking about?" Draco said aiming for confused, but achieving a high-pitched whine. Another thing Jashua hates: emotions. 

"you think I would just shrug when your head is blocking my entrance?" he whispered viciously and Draco's blood ran cold. He had been away from magic for so long, he had trusted Harry to know what to do. Now, he was going to die. Jashua, having pleasure at Draco's squirming, continued to whisper through a smile." You had a wizard cast something on you. Wasn't that bright though, or he would've known to replace the memories. The question is who. Was. It?" 

"I don't know!" he cried out, trying to protect Harry's identity at all costs. Harry could normally protect himself, but Jashua wasn't like any other opponents. He's smart and manipulative and deceiving. He could get his opponents to knowingly walk in to his house unarmed and think it is for their own good. That is what he did to Draco, after all. 

"You don't know, do you?" Jashua whispered, then laughed out loud. "Well, let me ask you another question, then, do you recognize this wand?" 

Jashua threw a wooden wand on the floor in front of Draco and the blonde immediately looked towards the sound and gasped. It was.. It was... 

"I knew you would. Of course you would recognize the wand of the man you were cheating on me with." 

_No!_

_This couldn't be happening_

"it isn't like that! I swear! Please, don't hurt him. He did nothing wrong." 

"He did everything, wrong, Draco! Starting with making me share what's mine!" Jashua yelled back, then grinned darkly, "Besides, love, don't you remember what your death eater scum of a father used to say? When a man is disarmed.." 

_He is without a doubt dead._

"No!" 

"Take a look for yourself, darling. He's resting on our balcony floor as we speak, resting forever and always that is." 

Draco didn't even realize he was trying to shake his head, that he was shouting at Jashua, calling him a liar, telling him Draco wasn't his, that he was screaming and attempting to kick the larger man. Only when the lights came on and he caught sight of Harry's lifeless eyes and his motionless body sprawled across the balcony with his limbs twisted in unnatural angles, did he stop for a second, a loud scream threatening to erupt from his throat. It never got to. Jashua seized the opportunity to shut him up with a potion. Draco didn't recognize it, but that was a bad sign. He could almost taste it on his tongue. A distant memory. A potion he wasn't aware he injected. The fertility potion.... 

_No!_

Draco clamped his lips shut tightly, determined not to get a single drop of that potion into his system. He tried to breathe out of his nose and calm himself down to think of something, anything he could say that would get Jashua to let him go for the day. His search came up completely blank and he started to panic even more at the idea of all his greatest fears coming true at once. 

_He'll take away any freedom I had left, lock me in the house, if not the bedroom._

_He'll force me to take that potion and have a kid and he'll keep doing it until he is satisfied regardless of whether I want to be a parent or not._

_Those poor babies..._

_Harry always said the worst thing a child could feel is unwanted. Would it show on me? Would they know I was forced into having them?_

_Would Jashua pretend around them, too?_

_Harry... Was what Jashua said was true?_

_Could he have really killed the Harry who doesn't die?_

The thoughts seemed to increase in volume and anxiety levels as they went on and on.

_Why am I here?_

_Why haven't I killed myself yet?_

_What is there to live for?_

_Parents? Deceased._

_Pansy? Deceased._

_Nott and Goyle? Azkaban._

_Harry? Killed... Laying dead on the balcony....Because of me._

Suddenly, the blonde couldn't hold back the gasp of air as his anxiety reached unbearable levels and Jashua took the opportunity to pour the liquid down Draco's throat. The Blonde was determined not to swallow and held his breathe until he passed out completely, with Jashua whispering in his ear, aiming Draco's head to continue looking at his dead ex-lover. 

"when are you going to admit defeat draco? You're powerless. You're just a sad little boy without his magic wand or his mommy and daddy to protect him. My father was the leading witness in their cases. He sealed those monsters' fates, he did. I watched them get the soul sucked out of them. It was beautiful. They got what they deserved and so will you. You're already broken. No money. No prospects. No friends. Nothing. You're nothing, Draco. You're worse than nothing. You're the reason many are dead. You're the reason the great Harry Potter is dead. You did that to him. You're just my toy now. How does that feel? The great Draco Malfoy reduced to someone's bitch. You have no idea how much it turns me on to see you like this.. No control." 

That was all Draco remembered before he passed out, sure that Jashua would feed him the potion anyways, but determined to fight until the end nonetheless, even if it was useless. But, of course, Jashua wouldn't leave it at that. He cast a spell to keep Draco awake through the whole ordeal. The blonde tried to fight, but it was clear Jashua had fed him more than the fertility potion when he passed out. He couldn't move a single inch and had to lay there, crying and taking everything Jashua forced upon him until the larger man was done. Jashua spat on Draco's face, then left without another word. 

The blonde doesn't remember much after that. He just recalled pain as he clawed at the carpet with his hands, dragging his limb body across the sitting room, carefully avoiding Harry's eyes, and into the bathroom. It must've taken him half an hour to get there. When he finally made it to the toilet, he jolted himself up to his knees, stuck two fingers down his throat and coughed up all the remnants of the potions. He hoped it would be enough, but wasn't sure.

Draco hadn't thought about his shard for months, until he remembered.. Harry. His mind had cleared enough to think rationally. Jashua had lied to him in the past to keep him chained here and he wouldn't fall for it again. That would be foolish. Draco didn't want to be a fool anymore. He'd been one for long enough and he refused to do it anymore. Harry was alive. He had to be and Draco had to warn him.

If it turns out Harry was really gone, the shard would be put to good use and Harry could have Draco forever in the afterlife even if Draco only goes to the light on command then must be returned to the darkness below. With what he could only describe as extra-human strength, Draco lifted himself up to his feet, tumbled through the house to the attic, grabbed the box of Harry's letters, then his shard and left. He wouldn't need anything else anyway. Placing the shard into his trousers's pocket and holding the box close to his chest, Draco limped away from the house, determined never to return.


	20. All the hurt cast upon him....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't own any of the characters. Rowling does. Enjoy!

Harry was still smiling hours after Draco left. For once, the blonde hadn't needed coaxing to eat and didn't give any negative comments about himself throughout the entire night. Harry called it progress, even if it was a bit forward and Draco would likely return to his usual state afterwards. But maybe he wouldn't? Maybe this was some kind of breakthrough? Maybe after a few more dinners and get togethers, Draco would finally stop being so harsh on himself and start actually enjoying life as opposed to letting it pass by him.

Harry was jolted out of his thoughts by a horrible pain radiating off the back of his head. He instantly knew what it meant. His vision went red. Jashua had hurt his Draco. Badly. Harry needed to intervene. The spell alerted him to injuries that would cause permenant damage if not treated properly. But, of course, that ducking monster wouldn't heal Draco. He probably just left him there and Harry needed to know where.

Immediately, and without guilt, Harry activated the locator spell and what he realized made his heart sink. Draco had been pacing around their alley for an hour, surely hoping against hope that Harry would show up. How was Draco up on his feet? Harry only felt a small percentage of the blonde's pain through the spell and it was enough to make him want to collapse on the floor right there and sleep forever. It wasn't a calming thought. Harry apparated into the alley instantly, only to find that it was empty.

He knelt down in front of the space in between the two dumpsters, knowing Draco hid there when he felt threatened. The blonde was entirely hidden by the shadow of the dumpster to his right and he seemed adamant on staying put. Harry was about to ask why when the blonde suddenly spoke with a forced firmness.

"What dish does Harry Potter like to eat at midnight on Halloween? Who were Harry Potter's lovers until now and how far did he get with each one of them? Where does Harry Potter live? What pet does Harry Potter have and what is his name? What name does Draco Malfoy like to be called even though he wouldn't admit it to anyone? What date, time, and place did Harry Potter lose his virginity?" the blonde asked seemingly all in one breathe. His voice had mixed emotions. Relief, happiness, panic, frustration, and fear. Most of all fear.

Harry didn't think twice about answering, knowing something serious had caused Draco to question whether Harry was really himself. Had Joshua polyjuiced himself to look like Harry somehow? Had he tricked Draco into saying something? Was that why his Draco was hurt? Guilt suddenly flooded all of Harry's senses as he quickly answered the frightened blonde's questions.

"Treacle tart. Draco Malfoy and we went all the way and were in love. Ginny Weasley and I forced myself to go to second base before I told her the truth about me. No one else since then. No other guys since you. Grimmauld Place and a dog named Scruffie who always cried for an hour after you leave and I don't know how to calm him down the way you do. You like to be called baby, especially when I am comforting you or when weren't having sex. Fourth year, 11 pm, hot April night in our chamber. I promised we'd continue to do it there after, though, and we did." 

Draco was silent for a moment and still hadn't moved. For a second, Harry was afraid he didn't believe him and would take off and never come back. Harry would find him, of course, but to lose the trust he had worked so hard to gain would devastate Harry. Finally, the blonde sighed and nodded.

"Alright" he whispered, "Harry, I need you to promise not to ask any questions tonight. I need you to let me speak. Let me say things and let me not say others. Can you agree to that for me?"

Harry nodded quickly, frantic to get the blonde out of there and into the warmth of Grimmauld Place with Scruffie and Kreacher, since he and draco get along for some reason, and everything they have worked so hard to regain. Harry could see his Draco coming back to life. He couldn't lose him now, not for any kinds of answers. Harry could wait. He'd waited three years before that, afterall. He could wait a couple of days.

After Draco stepped into the light, Harry spared no second in grabbing his hand and apparating them both straight onto the couch, where they were greeted by Scruffie who started to lick Draco's wounds? Harry gasped.

The blonde was a complete mess. Hair patches torn out and quite visible, a black eye, a jagged scar down his jaw, a clear limp, and blood all over his damn clothes and a box.

"Draco, wha-" Harry started, but stopped upon Draco shooting him a pleading look. Harry cleared his throat and asked "What could I do to help."

The blonde smiled. Actually smiled then erupted into full blown laughter with occasional wines that suggested his ribs were bruised. Harry just gaped at him, waiting for any explanation.

"Now I know you're my Harry!" Draco squeaked between laughs, "Y-you're positively seething with rage, yet you're trying to make it sound like you're casual just to respect my wishes even though you're bloody gritting your teeth. Do you even realize what a horrible liar you are? This is so bloody funny!"

Harry couldn't bring himself to laugh along just to ease the tension in the room. He couldn't even bring himself to smile at the blonde calling him 'his Harry'.

" Yeah.. It is." he said weakly. Suddenly, a look of devastation crossed Draco's face that broke Harry's heart. 

He looked away, eyes wet, and whispered "You're pitying me." 

Harry shook his head quickly, with only two words playing in his head. 

_**My fault. My fault. My fault.** _

"Don't lie to me, you stupid Mudblood's son!" Draco gritted out then flinched at his own tone. 

The blonde's words didn't hurt Harry, not in the way Draco intended. Harry knew his Draco only turned to insults when he felt completely vulnerable and hopeless. But he hadn't resorted to it with Harry since that day in the bathroom and the realization of what a major stepback had occured dawned on Harry, making him since. He looked away, unable to meet the blonde's eyes. 

"I'm sorry." he heard the blonde whisper, though it was muffled. He looked back to find Draco burying his head in his hands, leaning over. 

"It's alright." Harry told him, then placed a tentative hand on his shoulder, which the blonde flinched away from. Harry tried not to let that reaction hurt him. 

_**This isn't about me.** _

_**He's not mad at me.** _

_**He's not going to leave me** _

"What do you need?" the brunette asked calmly, then hesitantly added, "Can I heal you?". 

A look of panic suddenly made itself known and Harry knew that look all-too-well, but he wouldn't let on that he knew what happened, not until Draco wanted to talk about it. He knew from experience that being forced to talk about something when someone wasn't ready could destroy them. 

"c-can you cast another test, please?" the blonde whispered and Harry's thoughts were confirmed. 

"of course" Harry replied, trying to reel in his anger. The last thing he needed was to have the blonde afraid of him. Holding his breathe, he cast the spell twice and let out a sigh. 

"negative" he informed Draco, who immediately burst into tears. Harry wanted to comfort him, but any attempt to get close to his body was rebuffed. Harry wanted to kill Jashua. Then, a terrifying thought occured to him. 

"Y-you..Are you going to go back to him?" he asked, terrified of the answer. 

_**Why does my draco keep doing this to himself?** _

_**What on earth would made him think that he deserves this?** _

"N-no qu-questions." the blonde stuttered out and Harry's heart sank lower. Draco simply couldn't go back to that man. He recalled Draco's question about whether Harry could handle the friendship and, only then did he know, the answer was a definite no. But he couldn't tell draco that. Not yet. He would need to convince him to stay later, but there were more pressing matters to be dealt with at the moment.

"Draco, there might be permenant injuries if you don't let me heal you." Harry told him softly, trying to avoid the same frightened look he received minutes earlier. The blonde only shook his head frantically, looking panicked. 

"Don't wanna be touched." he murmured so quietly, Harry had to strain his ears to hear it.

"if you don't want me to touch you, I could get a professional.."

"No!" Draco screamed so loudly it hurt harry's ears. "No one else."

"Draco, please. I don't want you to be in pain.". Harry urged, not taking no for an answer. Draco mumbled something inaudible.

"what did you say?"

The blonde swallowed, shifted uncomfortably, then let out a sigh and looked away. 

"I don't want you to see." he repeated quietly. Only then did Harry really trace the source of all the blood and he couldn't keep his anger at bay anymore.

"I'll kill him!" he snapped, unable to hold back. He stood up and started pacing around the sitting room, oblivious to the frightened expression on the blonde's face. "who does this guy think he is? Fucking jackass, monster rapist who beats up his partners? That's just weak. He's... He's... Gods, I don't even know a curse strong enough to describe him. I'll go back there then grab him by his pretty hair and smile when he screams no, then I'll drag him all the way to the aurors office. I'll fill in the report and watch him and his reputation be destroyed in front of the entire Wizarding world. He won't feel so powerful then. I'll spit on his face, I will and I'll tell the guards to keep his clothes from him for a while, just so he can feel what it's like to be on display. I'll love every minute of it!"

Harry was shouting by the end of his speech and he turned to see the satisfied look on Draco's face at the idea of his attacker getting put through hell, only to find that the blonde wasn't there and that there was a small pool of blood where he had been seated only a minute ago. Harry panicked, looking at the door, cursing under his breath and calling himself an idiot for scaring his Draco. His Draco hated to have decisions made on his behalf, and so did Harry, so why had he gone on like that?

_**Idiot!** _

He accessed the locator spell, desperately hoping to find Draco before the injuries get worse or... Before he goes back to Jashua. He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw Draco was still in the house, but then was filled with dread at the implication of the blonde's actions. Was Draco truly that frightened of him?

He briefly recalled the blonde at age 15, sitting with Harry in his dark cupboard, telling him about his father's abuse, the darkness offering a weird sense of security, and how, as a child, he could only deal with it by hiding in small spaces. Draco always used to do that, though Harry never pointed it out. He just noticed the weirdness of having the blonde leave the entire castle and the safety of his room only to feel safe under the sinks in the bathroom, or, once in sixth year, though Draco refused to tell him why, under his bed in the room.

Harry ran through the house, panicked, calling draco's name and willing him to come out.

"Draco please!" he cried, "I'm sorry. Please, stop hiding from me!" 

The sitting room, main bathroom, and all of the bedrooms were clear, which only made Harry panic more. Was the locator spell off? Did Draco really leave? Harry's chest constricted. That spell was everything! Everything! He may never find his Draco again if it stops working! 

Only then did Harry hear quiet sobs from regulus's old room. He checked to find that there was no one in sight, so he bit his cheek and layed down on his stomach next to the bed, only to see a small bundle at end. Draco was huddled into a ball in the corner, knees drawn to his chest and crying his eyes out, clutching something for dear life. 

_**My poor draco** _

_**I am so sorry.** _

"Hey..." Harry said, laying his cheek on the floor, getting a flashback to the exact same event happening in sixth year. If this Jashua has his Draco frightened as much as Voldemort did, then there's no way Harry would let him go back. 

Draco didn't respond, but Harry knew from experience that any attempt to get under the bed as well would only make things way worse. 

"I am sorry I scared you, baby. I didn't mean to. I was just angry. But I would never hurt you. You know that, right?" 

"y-yes y-you would. Y-you a-already d-did." 

_**What?** _

_**No I didn't!** _

_**I never did** _

"When did I hurt you, Draco?" 

"y-you were on my balcony dead today." he whispered, then sobbed harder, "You showed up one day out of the blue a year ago and took me by force after being so nice for some reason. You said you'd protect me, then you disappeared. Y-you y-you sent all those ho-horrible letters." 

"Draco, none of that was me. I swear it!" Harry said, starting to pull at his hair at awkward angles. 

"You could've died years ago and I would've never known, because you're nowhere and you're everywhere. And I don't know how to t-tell if y-you're re-really you or not." 

Harry's chest felt like it was about to explode. He was desperate for any way of proving to Draco that he was really himself. 

" He killed you today.. " he heard the blonde murmur as he shifted and Harry caught the reflection of the light off the item he was holding. His heart stopped. The entire world seemed to stop for a minute. 

_**Why would you keep that, Draco?** _

_**Why? Why? Why?** _

_**Were you planning on killing yourself under this bed?** _

_**Do you know how that would feel for me?** _

_**To find you in a pool of your own blood and unmoving?** _

_**To not be able to bring you back?** _

_**To have to clean your blood afterwards?** _

_**To blame myself forever for not being able to help?** _

_**How could you be so selfish?!!** _

Harry knew he couldn't say any of that and he knew if Draco does do anything to himself, Harry could heal him within seconds. He needed to prove to the blonde that he was himself. He summoned his wand and a vial of vertiserum. Draco and him hadn't used the potion in three weeks and he was beginning to think Draco was starting to trust him fully. Trust Jashua to ruin everything! 

"Draco. This is me. Look." he whispered and wouldn't do anything until the blonde turned his head and focused his red-rimmed eyes on Harry. 

"Finite" he said, pointing his wand to himself. When nothing happened, he drank the potion and stated clearly. "I am Harry James Potter. I am not Polyjuiced. I am not wearing a glamour. I swear." 

Then, he cast another spell, hating himself for it but knowing this was yet another emergency. 

_How do I know that's really vertiserum?_

_Jashua had Harry's wand. He used it to cast spells on me. Is this person pretending to cast a finite with a piece of wood? Is that why his glamour didn't go down?_

_I can't let myself be manipulated again._

_I have to wait for Harry to get home... If he is alive._

_**I am home!!** _

Instantly, Harry cast a windgardian leviosa on a box of tissues and was intended on levitating it to Draco, who shrunk back at the thought of anything entering his safe space. 

"Alright. I'll keep it out here. At least you know it's not a fake wand now." he told the blonde softly. "As for the potion, can I give it to you? You'd recognize the smell anywhere. you were brilliant at potions." 

_What if it explodes after he throws it?_

_Well, if Harry is dead, my death isn't really much of a tragedy..._

Harry tossed the vial under the bed after the blonde nodded. 

_He's telling the truth. Thank God._

_Harry is alive_

_I need to touch him_

"H-Harry?" 

"yeah?" 

"could.. Could you come in here?" 

Harry eyed the small space incrediously. Draco had always been tiny enough to fit in places like these. Harry, after Auror training, however... 

"I'll try, love." he said, then manverued his way under the bed

And next to draco. He didn't try to touch the blonde. He just waited awkwardly, unsure of what to do. Suddenly, Draco was snuggling up to him, throwing his leg on top of harry's, hugging him tightly, and putting his head under Harry's cheeks as he sniffled softly.

Harry's hands instinctively went to hold Draco, but the blonde whined and looked scared so Harry moved his hands instantly.

_He smells like my Harry_

_I like it_

_He's real_

Harry blushed at the statement, but continued to just be there, unmoving, content to do so through the cramps and restlessness if that was what Draco needed from him.

"You'll have your wand on you at all times, yeah?" the blonde suddenly asked, quietly. 

_**What does that have to do with anything?** _

"umm.. Yeah. If that's what you want." 

Draco looked into Harry's eyes pleadingly. Only then did Harry see that Draco was still crying. The blonde cupped harry's cheek with the hand not holding onto his waist, then swiftly let it go and returned to hugging Harry's chest. For once, Draco's thoughts matched his words. 

"If he kills you again, I won't be able to handle it. Please be careful. Please, for me. I'll die if something happens to you b-because of me." 

Harry's chest clenched again and he longed to hold onto Draco, but he stayed put. 

"Of course, Draco. Nothing will happen to me. Don't worry about it. I'll be as careful as I can." he whispered soothingly. 

After what felt like hours, Harry and Draco slowly left the underside of the bed, with Harry immediately stretching once out. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Draco admire him with a faint smile and he couldn't help the blush that formed across his cheeks. He wished time would just bloody hell stop already so his Draco could never be hurt again, but he also knew that the blonde needed to be healed and he needed it hours ago. There was no way Harry was going to waste anymore time. His Draco needed tending immediately. 

Harry opened his mouth to say so when, suddenly, Draco spoke with a shaky voice. 

"You can heal me, but please, no more talk of murder." the blonde whispered, then added quickly, "Can I wash myself, First?" 

Harry lead Draco into the bathtub, then left and closed the door behind him, casting cushioning charms everywhere and undoing the thoughts spell. The blonde looked like he could barely walk and Harry didn't want him falling and breaking his neck. He was snapped out of his thoughts by a loud scream erupting from inside the bathroom. 

He ran inside and yanked back the curtain to find Draco curled up in a ball on the floor of the tub with the water hitting his bruised skin. He was whimpering and letting out soft moans. It was clear the water was causing him pain. 

"Hey, Draco?" Harry asked, and the blonde looked up, "How about a bath instead? And I'll drop the healing potions into it, that way, I won't need to touch you at all." 

Draco nodded slowly, then started to uncurl himself, only to stop when he heard Harry's loud gasp, and resume his position in a ball. 

Harry couldn't help it. What he saw... What did he just see? 

Draco's hole was leaking blood and semen onto the tub floor and it looked like someone had ripped him open. His back had extensive bruising and his chest and stomach were purple, which proved that his ribs were affected as well. His wrists and legs and cock and bullocks were all deep purple, like the blood was trapped there for some reason. They had magical fields around them. Harry would recognize the spell anywhere. Jashua was binding Draco to the house, causing the binds to tightened more as Draco went further and further away from it. Harry was surprised his limbs and cock hadn't fallen off by the way they looked. 

"Draco, could I please undo the binding spell? I'll just get my wand out and cast a quick finite, alright?" 

The blonde whimpered and held himself tighter, his eyes closed. After two minutes of Harry standing there in agony, unable to say or do anything to help the situation, Draco finally nodded and Harry immediately cast the finite, sighing in relief when the blood started circulating once more through his Draco's body. Harry would have to convince Draco to report Jashua. He had to! 

After an agonizingly long bath, where Harry had to jerk Draco awake multiple times so the healing potions could continue to take effect, the blonde was, by all appearances, brand new. But Harry wasn't an idiot. He knew Draco would need some time before he would reach the mental state he'd had merely hours before, when he had left the alley happily and looked back at Harry once before proceeding down the street. 

As Harry handed Draco back his now clean clothing, he made sure to take the shard out from the pockets and locked it into one of his drawers, determined to get rid of it later. He couldn't let his Draco have that, ever again. 

"Thank you, Harry. I really appreciate what you've done for me, tonight." Draco whispered, then began heading down the stairs that lead to the sitting room, with Scruffie in toe. 

_**What?** _

_**Surely he doesn't plan on leaving now?** _

_**He doesn't plan on going back to Jashua now?** _

_**He told me not to ask him questions.** _

_**He told me to be quiet.** _

_**I should respect his wishes.** _

_**I should let him...** _

At the sound of the door lock being clicked open so draco and Harry could get to the apparition, the brunette couldn't take it anymore. He didn't know how it happened or why, but, suddenly, Harry was on his knees, clutching Draco's waist roughly, sobbing violently into his right thigh as the blonde looked down at him in horror. 

_**Stupid! He doesn't want to be touched!** _

_**What have I done?** _

_**Oh well, too late to go back now....** _

"Please don't go! Please stay! What do you need from me to believe that you aren't a burden?" Harry cried out, "Gods, Draco, it hurts just thinking about it. You're so far away from being a burden that using that in the same sentence as having you stay with me is ridiculous. I want you here so badly, it takes everything I've got not to do this everytime you leave on Fridays! I.. It hurts to think I am sending you off to your own doom everytime, and Scruffie and I cry for hours after you've gone every week, but I've respected your wishes and I've done as you've asked for so so long, could you please, just please, do this one thing for me? Please stay." 

When Harry looked up, he saw that the blonde's gaze wasn't on him anymore. It seemed the worst had happened. Harry was so sure that Draco might say yes this time, but the blonde had seen and there was no way to take it back now. Harry followed Draco's eyes to see the stacks of books about depression and notes he had about Draco's condition, Draco's whereabouts, Draco's pain, everything about him and his progress. 

He always used to cast an invisibility charm on the pile before Draco arrives, but in the haste of this occasion, he had completely forgotten. Harry saw the realization dawn on Draco's face and knew he had been caught. Draco knew about the locator spell, about the detection spell, about the thought and emotions spell. Draco knew everything Harry had done and was now looking at him with fear and hatred. 

"Y-you.." the blonde started, but trailed off. Harry was panicking. He had to keep Draco from leaving, from hating him, from knowing... 

Moving from his kneeling position to a standing one, Harry slowly reached for his wand to cast locking charms on the doors and floo, only to have the blonde cry and whisper pleadingly. 

"Please don't do anything else to me." he said wetly. Harry was about to envelope him in a comforting hug, when the blonde dashed to the floo, called out knockturn alley, and disappeared without another word. 

Frantic and hating himself, Harry accessed the locator spell only to realize he had undone every spell he had ever cast on the blonde with his finite earlier. 

_**No.** _

_**No.** _

_**No.** _

_**No!** _

_**NO!** _

Harry returned to the alley every night. He searched the prophet for any sightings of the blonde. He looked through knockturn alley, but no one had seen Draco come or leave.

It seemed, just like last time, his Draco had vanished into thin air, but it felt more like his fault than ever before. And, just like last time, Harry would continue to look for him no matter what, and wouldn't take no for an answer. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK. So, I know the tags say angst with a happy ending and this is, I swear. It's just that I didn't feel like this would make sense if I crammed it all into one part, so I am turning it into a series, with each part showing a different phase of Draco and Harry's life (his life when it comes to Draco) and having an ambitious ending, then the last part having a happy one. I am also thinking of adding a first part that shows their relationship in school, ending with the scene from the trials.
> 
> The next part may take a bit since my work has finally started back up again, so I'll be pretty busy. 
> 
> Thank you for your comments, kudos, and views! Hope you like this and what comes next!


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